171: MVP Solo Autism Parenting with Rob Gorski, The Autism Dad

Youre listening to episode 124 of The Autism Mom Coach, Solo Parenting with Rob Gorski, The Autism Dad.

Welcome to The Autism Mom Coach podcast. I am your host, Lisa Candera. I am a lawyer, a life coach, and most importantly, I am the full-time single mother of a teenager with Autism. In this podcast, I am going to share with you the tools and strategies you need so you can fight like hell for your child without burning out. Lets get to it.

Hello, everyone and welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you are here and I hope you are doing well. Before we get to todays topic, I want to remind you that I will be hosting another live webinar, How to Keep Your Cool During an Autism Meltdown on July 22nd at 7:00pm Eastern. During this live presentation I am going to walk you through my three step process for keeping your calm while your child is dysregulated, and Im going to answer your questions. To register for this webinar, go to the show notes and sign up now.

Alright, for this week I have a treat for you. I had the pleasure of speaking with Rob Gorski, who was also known as the Autism dad. I am so excited to bring this conversation with you and to share his perspective with my audience because I thought it was spot on and wonderful. There were so many pearls of wisdom that Rob dropped during this interview, but the one thing that he said that really stands out to me and I really want to impress upon all of you is, he says, I am doing my best and my best is good enough.

And I think that that is not only so true of all of us, but its something that we need to remind ourselves of over and over again. For those of you who are not familiar with Rob, Im going to give you a little bit of background and then were just going to dive into the conversation. Rob is a solo parent of three sons with Autism. He lives in Northeast Ohio, and he runs a popular blog and podcast called The Autism Dad, where he shares his experiences and offers support to other parents raising children with Autism and other disabilities.

Robs three sons, Gavin, Elliott and Emmett, are all on the Autism spectrum but have unique characteristics. As Rob will share with you, he originally began his blog as a pure accident. He originally started writing about his experiences as a therapeutic method for himself, but lo and behold, that blog was public and people found it, and they loved it. Since then, Robs platform has evolved into a global resource featuring articles, podcast interviews and practical advice for parents of Autistic children.

So, if you can imagine and some of you will remember that there was a time, long, long ago when we thought that we could write words on the internet and we would be the only people to see them and thats just not so. And luckily for us, Robs work is public and its been an inspiration to so many people. Alright, with that, lets turn it over to Rob.

Lisa: Welcome, Rob, to the podcast. I am so glad to have you here. If you could, just take a minute and introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you.

Rob: Sure. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. My name is Rob Gorski from The Autism Dad blog and podcast and all that stuff. I am a single dad to three autistic kids. My oldest is 24, he just moved out a month ago at the time that were recording this. And I have an 18 year old and my youngest just turned 16 yesterday.

Lisa: Yeah, I saw that Emmett, right?

Rob: Yeah.

Lisa: Very nice. So, if you could, just tell us a little bit about what you do as The Autism Dad and how you got into it and how its evolved over the years.

Rob: Sure. So, I started out about, I dont know, 15/16/17 years ago, something like that. And it started out inadvertently. I was struggling with my eldests diagnosis, and I wanted to kind of find a way to process this stuff. So, I thought, if I write down in a journal or something like that, it might be helpful. But I do everything online digitally. So I found WordPress and I thought Ill just use that as a private diary, I thought, because I had to sign in to use it, sign in to read it.

And it wasnt private and I had been kind of dumping everything that I was feeling and experiencing onto these pages, thinking no one was ever, ever going to read it and it was very public. And I did that at a time when there wasnt anyone else doing that. And so, people would find me by default, any time they would search for Autism, they would find all of my deepest, darkest parenting thoughts and I was mortified when I figured it out. But what I found was that people actually were comforted by it.

And its not bad stuff but its all those things that parents tell ourselves that were not allowed to say out loud or things like that. And so, I found that to be very therapeutic for me and I found it to be very helpful for the parents and it just sort of grew until today. Its been rebranded as The Autism Dad. It used to be Lost and Tired. And then I had the podcast five years ago, something like that. Were on season seven, half way through season seven right now.

But the idea is just to kind of provide for people what I didnt have available to me back then and thats just validation and comfort in knowing that youre not the only one going through this. That youre allowed to feel the things that you feel because youre human. And help people to kind of navigate the things that Ive already been through just by kind of lighting the path and sharing my mistakes so that hopefully people can learn from them and avoid some of the same pitfalls, many pitfalls that Ive found myself trying to dig myself out of over the years.

Lisa: Yeah, well just make new mistakes because thats just how it goes. So, Im curious, what was the initial reaction of people seeing your blog and reaching out to you?

Rob: Very positive, I mean it was very positive. There were some people that would say things like, Why would you say something like that out loud or why would you share this? And well, I didnt intend to share it. I didnt go into this thinking, Im going to help people. I was trying to just cope with my life. And theres been unpleasant people along the way but overall, its been very, very positive and Ive developed thicker skin. So, I was just talking about this to someone else a little bit ago. I just dont care what other people think anymore.

So, people who have a problem with me can try and tell me that. I just dont pay attention to the negative anymore. But its been overwhelmingly positive, and thats been a very good thing.

Lisa: So, you said that one of the things that you were looking for or are looking to provide that you didnt have was validation and support. Can you just tell me a little bit more about that for you as a father, because as you know, I am a mom of a child with Autism and I also coach moms of children with Autism. And they definitely, when they come to me, the validation and the support is really helpful.

But what theyre coming to me a lot of times with are feeling like theyre not doing enough and theyre not doing the right things and just always in this perpetual state of not feeling like theyre enough. And so, Im just curious, is this a similar experience that dads have?

Rob: Sure, yeah. And I think in a lot of ways, well dads, I think deal with it a little bit differently. Dads tend to be fixers and if you cant fix it, then youd shut down and you dont know what to do. I wake up every day knowing that on my best day Im not going to be enough. Theres not enough of me to fill even one of my kids needs and I have three Autistic kids. And what I have learned over the years, what I try to share with parents now is that were human.

Theres this thing that people talk about where were superhuman Autism warrior parents or whatever. And thats great, whatever works for you, I guess. But to me, I think a lot of parents feel like they have to live up to this expectation that theyre never going to live up to because theyre human. And we have very real human limitations. We are going to feel things. We are going to experience stuff. Were going to get depressed and anxious and resentful and angry and sad and happy and all that stuff.

But instead of feeling guilty about it now, I just recognize that Im human and Im giving my kids the best that I can. I know that oftentimes they need more than what Im able to give them, but its not a shortcoming on my part. Its not that theyre too much, its just that were human and doing this alone, like we talked about before, is really hard. You dont have that person to kind of tap in and take over for you.

And every decision, again we mentioned, falls on your shoulders, you have to carry all that weight. So, if it goes, great, its fantastic, but if it goes wrong youre responsible for that. But if you remember that youre human and you cant be perfect and you cant always have the answers. And youre not always going to know the right thing to say and youre going to make mistakes. But you pick up and you learn from them and you move forward. And you do the best you can and you give what you can and you take care of yourself so you have more to give.

And for me, that was probably one of the biggest lessons that Ive learned to kind of help me continue to keep going. It is just recognizing that Im never going to be perfect and Im never going to be enough, I guess, if that makes sense. But your best is enough because thats all you can give. And if youre giving all you can, what more can you give?

Lisa: Yeah, I love that perspective. And theres so many things that you just said that I want to hit on. And one of the things that you said early on was this sort of idea, and I think this really comes from people of not neurodivergent kids where this idea of theres been some sainthood bestowed upon us because were managing these kids and its so hard. And only special people get these problems and youre so blessed kind of a thing. And that can be, one, really off putting and two, it puts this really high expectation.

And then third, as the parents, we already put high expectations on ourselves. And so, the combination of all that, feeling like not only are you dealing with all of this, but you have to hide it because otherwise youre going to fly in the face of what people think you should be because youre a special needs parent.

Rob: Sure. Yeah. And not everybody agrees with me with this and again, thats fine. We all do what we need to do. But I have a fundamental issue with building people up like theyre these superhumans. There is nothing special about me that makes me any different than any other dad. I love my kids, I do what I can for my kids, just like any other dad should. The problems and the challenges that I face may be more complicated and everythings relative, I mean.

And I know theres people out there with tougher challenges than I have, but I just think we set those expectations so high even if its meant in a positive way, trying to build people up. It sets us up for failure because we are never going to hit that mark. Were never going to be superhuman. Were charged with a job that requires superhuman abilities at times, but we dont have that. So, all we can do is the best that we can do and live with it.

And if we recognize that were human and were not any different than other people, were just charged with more responsibility, then when you dont hit that, youre not beating yourself up. You dont have these unrealistic expectations that youre going to be perfect and you have to always know what to do. I feel my way through the dark all the time. I mean, Im 24 years into this now and I dont feel like I know what Im doing most of the time, honestly.

I mean, Ive got a lot of experience, sure, but I make mistakes all the time. Im making new ones every day. Navigating the whole transition to adulthood thing is something that even with all this experience, I was not prepared for that, not even close. And so, I just feel like we need to just kind of reframe how we look at this stuff and theres nothing wrong with just being a regular human parent dealing with tough things, I guess. I dont if that makes any sense.

Lisa: Yeah. No, it makes perfect sense. And when you talk about the superhuman ability, I mean, I wouldnt call it superhuman. But really the thing that makes us stand out is the resilience if we can cultivate that. And I think so much of that comes from recognizing our limitations, not as a deficit on us or on our parenting, but just there are limitations and thats okay. And when youre not constantly beating yourself up about that, you have more energy to focus on the things that you can control and the things that you can do.

Rob: Yeah. And in the superhuman side of it, I guess, I dont mean that literally. I mean we have to do all of these things and oftentimes we have to do it without sleep, without support, without financial ability, without being able to work out of the house sometimes because its impossible for some parents. It was that way for me. You cant be a full-time caregiver and have a job outside of the house. So, to me thats just how I visualize it.

Superhuman abilities would be, to me, being able to function at my best, never getting any sleep and never taking care of myself and never having to worry about anything else. But the reality is that we dont have that. We cant function without sleep. We cant survive without a paycheck. We cant do a lot of these things. And so, we have to just find creative ways of accomplishing these things. And then its constantly juggling and triaging things in real time.

Were constantly having to decide what we have to keep in the air and what we can drop to the floor. And its just 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, sometimes for the rest of our lives. And we have to do that in real time. And so even when you do sleep at night for most parents or a lot of parents, youre still not sleeping, sleeping, because your brain is still worried about whatever. Youre still listening for your kid to get up and leave their bedroom in the middle of night.

Its really tough to be human and try and manage everything that you have to manage a lot of times when you have kids with these types of additional needs. And so thats kind of what I mean. I mean, I dont mean flying.

Lisa: I didnt think you did. I think we were just talking about how other people sort of impute that [crosstalk].

Rob: Yeah. Its like every kid with Autism, theres super abilities because its not always the case. And so, generalizing things like that, I just dont like to generalize things, I guess.

Lisa: I completely agree with that. So, I want to know, three children with Autism and solo parenting. How did you do that? How are you doing that? Lets start there. And then I really want to talk about the transition to adulthood because I think that is something that is just not getting talked about enough. And more and more of our kids are transitioning into adulthood, this is going to be a huge population thats very much underserved and so, I want to hear all you have to offer.

Rob: Sure. How do I do it? I have no idea, to be honest with you. I have made plenty of mistakes along the way, not taking care of myself and burning out and having to build myself back up, stuff like that. So, Ive learned those lessons. To me, I mean I dont know anything else so its my normal. I dont have a basis of comparison or a reference to what its like to be a parent to neurotypical kids. I just dont know.

So, objectively I think its much harder what Im doing, but it feels normal to me. So, I just get up every morning and I do what I have to do. My kids do what they need to do, and thats just life for us. So, I dont feel like I do anything special in order to do this. I go to the gym. I do all the advocacy stuff that I do with The Autism Dad. Those are things that give me a direction for all that anxiety and negative energy and whatever.

Everything is relative. I mean, I could step into your shoes, I think we mentioned this on my show, I could step into your shoes and be like, Holy cow, I dont know how you do it. You could walk in mine for a minute and be like, Oh, wow, this is different. I can do this. So, its kind of relative. So, I dont know that my life is so much harder than everybody elses. I just do whatever I feel like dad should do, I guess, if that makes sense.

Lisa: I guess Im not really, yeah, and I totally know what you mean. It is all relative. I have clients who have twins, they dont know from not having twins. So, theyre like, This is just how we roll. But just from the perspective of having three children with needs, if you would talk about, are your kids exactly the same place on the spectrum? Im doubting thats not true and so how it is navigating the needs of needy children and who are all different.

Rob: Yeah, thats a good question. So, theyre not all the same. My oldest, they were never diagnosed with levels back then. It was just high functioning, low functioning or whatever. My oldest was diagnosed, he has childhood disintegrative disorder so he experienced massive regression. So, he is very cognitively impaired, but hes doing pretty well. My other two were just kind of born the way that they are so I dont know them any differently. And I think they each have needs that can overlap and then they can each have needs that are conflicting with each other.

So, I might do something for Elliott that is triggering for Emmett, but Elliot needs it, but if I do it for Elliot, then its going to set Emmett off, especially when they were younger. And then theres a lot of things with Gavin, my oldest, that Ive had to do just because of the way hes wired, that just rubs the other two kids the wrong way. And they just cannot wrap their heads around why I handle him the way that I do. And it just kind of is, its like three different languages.

Theres very few things that I can just apply once and it works across the board. And its a lot of moving targets because their needs change over time and what they need shifts and it works today, it may not work tomorrow. So, its constantly this very fluid dynamic situation where youre just exhaustively trying to find what works in the moment and its just not always the same thing every day. I guess that makes sense.

Lisa: That is such a great point. I know when my son was younger and we found anything that worked, lets say with a teacher or a one on one aid, I would just be like, We have to be with you forever because this is working. But thats never the case. And so, we are always evolving, the folks that are in our kids lives, whats working in terms of therapies, medications, environments. And so, I had to learn early on not to get too wedded to any one thing because it was going to evolve.

Rob: And that makes it hard because it makes it less predictable. And one of the things that as humans we want to do and that we benefit from is planning things out and knowing ahead of time. And theres very little about my life that has been predictable aside from unpredictability. Theres so much thats just outside of my control. And Im somebody that likes to have influence over my environment and what Im doing and how Im feeling, everything, and theres just some things.

I mean I can give everything I have into this at times and it has no impact because its just totally outside of my control and we have to weather the storm and get through it, whatever. And with my oldest, when he was still living at home, hes an amazing person and he has come so far but he was driving everybody crazy. He had outgrown the house, developmentally. In order for him to continue to grow, he really needed to be sort of untethered or detached from us so that he can make his mistakes and do his thing and grow.

And we had dinner with him last night, and its only been a month since he moved out, and it was good to see him and all the stuff but it was very apparent that hes very different. And its very difficult to coexist with him at times. And I dont know how we did it for as long as we did. And its not anything against him because hes not doing anything wrong. Its just how different everybody is and how conflicting those differences can be and triggering each other. I mean they trigger each other all the time.

So, it is very tough to navigate a lot of this stuff with any set pattern or any way thats predictable, but you can have sort of more neurotypical side of parenting which is relatively predictable. I guess that makes sense.

Lisa: I have clients where they have children who are close in age and sometimes both the kids are Autistic or ones neurotypical, the others Autistic. But there are situations where the parent has to pick one over the other, ones happiness or comfort over the other and then they have great guilt about that. And Im just curious how you decided to handle that, given that was just the norm for you.

Rob: Yeah. So thats tough because it was kind of squeaky wheel in my house and squeakiest of all the wheels was Gavin. He had a lot of serious health issues, a lot of behavioral issues. And when I became a single or solo parent like we talked about before, youre one person and you have to manage. It was like constantly putting out fires is what it feels like. And so, the kids who have, theres less demand, they tend to get less attention. Not because you dont want to give them attention or you love them any less. Its just that its like, okay, well, youre doing really well. You can keep doing this. Ive got to go deal with your brother.

And it does breed resentment because I have kids that very much resent that. They understand, and they know that I wasnt ignoring them or whatever. They understand the concept of what happened, but it doesnt change the way that it made them feel. And thats what matters. I mean I think its important that they understand you werent forgotten. We did everything that we could, it wasnt that you were less important but I had to keep you guys safe. And part of keeping you safe, then I had to manage this behavior.

So, what felt like you were being ignored in the moment was me trying to keep you away from something that you didnt need to be exposed to. But it does, I mean, it doesnt matter what the intention was because the impact is still the same, and they still feel that way. And were working through some of that stuff as they get older because theyre vocalizing that now. And I try very hard not to take it personally, because I know that I did everything that I could.

And I know that their feelings are valid and theyre allowed to feel however they feel. And I cant change whats already happened, but we can talk about it and work through it so that they can heal from whatever traumas when they were younger and what they experienced. So that we can move forward and they could have the best, happiest enriching life that they can. But its tough, trying to manage three kids is tough. And you do have to make cuts sometimes and you do have to make choices that maybe in other situations you wouldnt.

And it does feel like sometimes people are expendable or you have to keep everybody surviving, you have to keep everybody above water. And the highest demanding kids tend to get the most attention. And its like that, if you have an Autistic kid and a neurotypical kid, I mean, its really hard to find that balance.

You have to be very deliberate in your choices and make sure that you set time aside whenever you can for one-on-one time, even if its just a few minutes, even if its hurtful or you find it upsetting that they express their feelings about feeling forgotten or whatever. They have a right to feel that way because it absolutely, its how they experienced it. And they may not understand the reasons behind it necessarily in the moment but you dont want to be dismissive of that.

You want to acknowledge it and validate it and help them to understand that it was just the way that things were then and was never meant to come across that way. But you understand and you respect that and you want to help them through it and learn from it so you can move forward and do better.

Lisa: I think thats such an evolved way of looking at it because I think as parents, especially when youre making those hard decisions, at least I want everyone to understand my decision so everyone feels good about it and no one feels bad. And then just getting to the part where theyre allowed to be upset, theyre allowed to be pissed, theyre allowed to be resentful, theyre allowed to kind of understand, but not really care and I have to be okay with that.

Rob: It doesnt fit nice and neatly in a box.

Lisa: No, it doesnt.

Rob: One of those people that likes to square peg, square hole kind of thing. Its not going to be that way. And the sooner you let go of that expectation and just embrace things, yeah, because Ive been resentful of my kids over the years. I mean, not because theyre bad kids, but because I hit my limit and I want it to stop. I want to get off the ride. My brain just needs to shut down and you cant sometimes. And you can want to be able to hang out with friends or go have time to yourself to watch your show or whatever, and you cant.

And as humans, we feel those things. So of course, our kids feel the same thing. And if we tell our kids that its okay to feel that way and we understand and we respect that, why cant we as adults feel the same thing and allow ourselves that same grace? So, I think it goes both ways and we have to not only be accepting of how our kids are feeling, but we also have to be accepting of how were feeling and then maybe model how to manage that behavior in a healthy way.

So that your kids know that, look, yes, I know your brother drives me crazy too, I get it, and we drive him crazy. He wanted to move out, its not he was just driving us crazy, we drove him crazy too. He was so tired of living with his brothers and being micromanaged and all this stuff. And so, it was a mutually beneficial thing. So, do I feel guilty that I helped him to move out? No, because it was the best thing for us, but it was also what he wanted, and it was the best thing for him so they can all coexist.

Lisa: What does showing up for yourself look like for you?

Rob: Currently showing up for myself is getting sleep, therapy, when Im in therapy, working out, eating right, spending time with my girlfriend. Having a life outside of being a dad is kind of showing up for me. And I used to feel guilty about it. But the more time that I spend with myself, the more independent my kids are becoming and thats a good thing. And as I put back into me Im better able to give to them. I give them a better version of me.

So, Ive reframed this for myself because Im really big on reframing things so that I can process better. I feel like when I put into me, its the kindest thing that I can do for my kids because Im giving them the best chance of having the best version of me present in their life. And I know that theres a societal thing where we have to give everything we have to our kids all the time, they always come first. But I mean maybe theres some situations where thats possible short term, but its not sustainable, its not realistic.

And we hold ourselves to that standard. So, when we dont do that, we feel guilty or when we need a break, we need to put into ourselves we feel guilty because it feels like we have to take away from our kids in order to do that. But if we dont put into ourselves, were ultimately taking away from our kids.

Lisa: Exactly right. And look, if youre dealing with a one off emergency, yes, you can go full in. But were talking day in and day out, rinse and repeat and so its not realistic at all. And I definitely noticed that with my son, I had so much less patience for him when I wasnt taking time to just do simple things for myself.

Rob: Sure, because youre on overload, you ran out of bandwidth. We maybe say the same thing about having boundaries for the people in your life. Youre either on board or youre gone. We can love you from a distance and thats great, keep that door open in case you decide to get on board. But you have to devote your limited resources to where it does the most good. And sometimes thats putting into you. Sometimes thats giving back to your kids. But not taking care of yourself is just not sustainable long term.

And setting boundaries is a form of self-care. Sometimes setting boundaries is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your family. You feel guilty about it maybe, and you shouldnt have to do it sometimes. But there are just people who just chew away at that bandwidth, because they either dont get on board or they always have an opinion about what youre doing or they undermine you. You know what I mean? People just dont get on board or dont understand it.

And boundaries can help put that buffer in place to help protect you from kind of that bleeding out so that youre not losing everything that you have. Because everything you put into that, trying to deal with that, takes away from your kids.

Lisa: Absolutely. And it tanks you emotionally. So, Im curious, I have a few clients who are single parents and some of them have struggled with the idea of having partners and nobody would choose this life. And so, Im just curious about how you navigate that with your partner.

Rob: Well, I feel like Im very lucky. Well, I know that Im very lucky because she has an Autistic daughter as well. Shes very new into the journey, because its only been about two years, I think, since, well, about a year and a half because we met right after her daughter was diagnosed. But I think that its tough. Were actually going to be recording an episode about this because theres a lot of people ask questions. They just assume that its never going to work.

And I think generally speaking, I think its harder for moms than it is for dads because women tend to be more nurturing and they tend to be more on board with something like this. Whereas guys tend to be like I dont want that noise. I dont want to deal with that, and thats tough. Its totally not fair. But I think if you find somebody who is supportive, who understands and is willing to learn, I think is the big thing and sees you for you and everything else is just part of the deal because we dont come without our kids.

And in my case, I am so incredibly lucky. I realize that every single day of my life. And having somebody who is actually supportive makes all the difference in the world. I mean, Ive had relationships where they didnt understand necessarily. And then theres not a refusal to learn, but just a constant second guessing. Its constantly, why are your kids doing this or why cant your kids do this or we need to get your kids here and they need to be able to move out, all this stuff.

And I mean, theyre not wrong necessarily, but its an artificial timetable. You feel rushed, which then puts pressure on things and it just makes it difficult. And when you find somebody who gets it, its just peace. And its not easy to find, I dont think, but its out there. And there is somebody for everybody. Theres a lot of parents of kids that have Autism or ADHD or something else going on that are looking. And youre just not, I mean I dont think you find them necessarily on dating apps because nobody really advertises that necessarily.

But generally, I think its harder if youre trying to be in a relationship with somebody who has kids that are neurotypical, just because there tends to be that clash of ideas. And theres always something that comes up and I think it can be challenging. Definitely not impossible because I know lots of people who have found a way to make it work and theyre amazing, but it can be definitely challenging.

Lisa: I think its totally possible. And I love that you talk about it because I have had clients where theyve gone in with that attitude, but I have also found men who have really gone the distance in learning about their children and becoming involved and things like that. And so, Im always saying, I know that that is something you might think, but its not true.

Rob: Yeah. When I got divorced, when my ex-wife left and it was just me and the kids, Im thinking holy cow, my life is over. That part of my life is over because theres no one thats going to ever willingly walk into my life knowing that I have all these different challenges. And what I found was, I think I found a lot of the wrong people, which helped me learn what I needed to learn in order to be ready for the right one.

And when Kelly and I met, we werent looking. We both had stopped dating. I was going to just focus on rebuilding my life. I had just gotten out of a relationship that was not good for me. And I wanted to just devote time to building myself back up, recovering from my divorce, all of that kind of stuff. And then we ended up connecting and then became really, really good friends and started dating a few months later, and its been the best year of my life.

And the right person is out there and the right person makes all the difference in the world, all the difference in the world. I never feel pressure or judged or my best is always enough. And that has never been something that I have known until now.

Lisa: I love, I think that is the go to mantra, your best is enough. And one of the things that I found with people, whether its relationships or just friendships is, Autism is a great litmus test. Because Ive always said, if you find somebody whos not okay with this, then you have your answer very quickly. You know, are these people that are going to invite to their home, are these people going to go to their home and Im going to expect them to be understanding. You find that out really quickly.

Rob: Yeah. And I actually get a lot of people reaching out to me. I get a lot of women that will reach out, and I do get some men, not nearly as many. And theyll just be like, Hey, my girlfriend has an Autistic kid and Im just trying to know how can I be more supportive? What can I do? That kind of stuff. I get a lot of women that will be like, Hey, I, dating this guy, hes got an Autistic kid. I want to be there for them. The kids amazing. And I kind of get emotional just even thinking about that because thats such an amazing thing to have that.

To have somebody who sees not only your value as a person, but your kids values. And not asking you, how can I change those kids, how can I change him? Its what can I do to be more supportive? Where can I go to learn about this? What can I do to be there and not overstep. Theres all these amazing questions that people will come at me with and its really good to see that there are people out there who just want to learn.

I think the biggest thing that they can do is what theyre already doing. Theyre present and accepting and wanting to learn and grow and not expecting the other person to be the one who always changes.

Lisa: Yeah. No, its so interesting because I was recently at an Autism walk here in Connecticut. And so many of the people who came to my booth werent parents of children with Autism, they were the aunts, the uncles, the friends, the grandparents who came to the walk, and they wanted to learn more and I thought that was amazing.

Rob: Its very cool. That gives me a lot of hope because theres the right person out there for everyone. And I think its just a matter of knowing what you need, not being afraid to say no, and being ready for that person. Because its tough, youve got to divide time and balance everything out because youre already balancing things out already and its tough. And it can be tough to balance when you add another person and bonus kids into the mix to find that balance. But when you do, you do and you just do whatever you have to do to hang onto that. Its an amazing thing when you find it.

Lisa: I am so glad that you did. And I cant wait to hear you interview Kelly. Is that how its going to go on your podcast, are you going to interview her?

Rob: Yeah, well, shes done episodes. Weve done a couple of episodes together, but people ask a lot of questions like, well, how do you manage relationships whether youre married or dating or whatever when you have Autistic kids. I mean, I think its all about finding balance. And for her and I, were just so in tune with each other. We dont even have to really say anything, you just know and you dont have to explain.

If her daughter had a big meltdown and shes exhausted and frustrated and overwhelmed and just needs to shut down for the day or whatever. Okay, well, we can reschedule and you go have your alone time because I know what thats like. Theres times when I just dont want to see another human. I just want to be alone in the corner of my room.

Lisa: Absolutely.

Rob: And so not having to explain yourself and having people understand is, I mean, theres such peace that you find in that. And until I met her, Id not experienced that before. So now that I know what its supposed to be like, I could never go back. I just want to go forward.

Lisa: I know transitioning to adulthood is not something that we hear about a lot and what we do hear is usually not great. So, if you could share your experience, that would be wonderful.

Rob: Sure. I started way too late. My biggest mistake I think was being so focused on my kids limitations and their diagnoses when they were younger, that I was raising the diagnosis more than I was raising my kids. Kids with Autism or ADHD or any disability are still kids. And I made a lot of excuses for behavioral things and wrote a lot of stuff off to being Autism or ADHD or whatever else was going on at the time. And I wasnt doing things like holding them accountable and allowing them to fall so they could pick themselves back up and move forward and learn from mistakes and the consequences and all that kind of stuff.

And so, as my kids got older and I started to recognize those things, it was like, oh, man, now its playing catch up when they could be petulant teenagers. They dont want to hear this stuff now. Gavin was an adult. He doesnt want to hear this stuff now. And so, the best advice that I have for parents is, the moment your kid is born, assume that they are going to grow up to be adults. And if they have an Autism diagnosis, theyre going to have that Autism diagnosis all throughout their life because Autism is always. It doesnt go away, you dont outgrow it.

And use every day to help prepare them for adulthood. Not robbing them of a childhood or accelerating stuff, but just allow them to make mistakes and help them learn from it. Hold them accountable for their actions. Theres developmental things that are outside of their control, whatever. But kids need to know there are consequences for things that they think, say and do. And just like anybody else, they need to be held accountable, learn that accountability and again, developmentally appropriate.

My kids therapist used to tell us, You dont punish someone for not being able to see. But if they got into a car and drove and ran over three people, theyre held accountable for that. And Autism isnt an excuse to just have free rein or a free pass because life is not going to allow for that. Theres going to be a time when Im not around and society is not going to care. And Im dealing with that with my oldest right now. Theres going to come a time where he is going to have to learn the hard way with some of these things.

And so, the more I prepared them as they were younger, the better off we would be going forward. So, I just think prepping as far ahead as you can, little bits at a time, helps to make that transition smoother and easier. And then if youre in the States, you want to get involved with the Board of DD as soon as you possibly can, because they can help with funding and get on the waiver program and stuff like that. Theres job training things for people with developmental disabilities.

Here in Ohio, we have Opportunities for Ohioans with Disabilities, which is what my oldest went through and its job training and job coaching and mock interviews. And they build resums and they help them connect with employment. And my sons had his job now for almost a year, it will be a year this month at some point and hes doing great. Connecting with those resources and services as they are transitioning from 18, I think 23 is the cut off for a lot of people here.

It just helps you to slowly start bridging those gaps ahead of time so that you dont hit that cliff where its panic because all the resources have dried up and you dont know what to do. But its tough because youre trying to survive the moment most of the time, and so youre not thinking about tomorrow. Youre trying to survive the next five minutes. And I lived 20 years doing that and I wish that I had approached things a little bit differently.

I mean I know I did things for the right reasons at the time, but it just complicated things for the future. So, if you go into it thinking that your kids are going to be adults someday and theyve got to be ready. Start from day one and just start everyday things that you can do to help your kids to be ready. So, you do it over the course of 18 or 20 years and not trying to cram it in when theyre 15/16/17, when theyre not going to want to listen to you anyway because kids dont want to listen.

And then you have an extra layer of developmental stuff that might be impacting that, so start young and just keep building.

Lisa: Yeah, I think thats such a great point. And its also sometimes in these moments where were going to pick the easy out. Ive done it, where youre sometimes picking between sleep and not sleep. And so, I always try to encourage my parents, this doesnt mean you do it all the time and you do it perfectly. But there are things that you can do to integrate into your life and especially when our kids are regulated and you can have more teachable moments with them. And so, if they are losing their shit, its probably not the time, but you can find the time.

Rob: Yeah. And youre not trying to rush these kids into growing up or whatever. And youre definitely not wanting to hold them accountable for things that they have no control over. But theyre still kids and kids in general make stupid decisions. They make dumb decisions. They do things because they just want to be mean sometimes. And kids with Autism are not exempt from that, they can do it too. And its just a matter of showing and instilling things in a way that are developmentally appropriate and fair to your kids.

And just help them to learn because it just ultimately becomes easier for everybody. If they learn that theres consequences for sneaking the iPad or whatever it is, then over time they learn not to do that. I mean my oldest required constant repetition, I mean constant repetition, years and years and years of just repeating the same thing over and over and over again until finally it just clicks. And so, if you start younger, the younger you start, the better off your kids are going to be as they get older.

And the reality is, theyre going to be existing in a world where were not there at some point. And the world is not going to care what the reasons are for things. Theyre just going to care about the outcome. And so, if we can help our kids to be prepared to navigate that world, the better off theyre going to be. The more peace we can have when we close our eyes at night.

Instead of staring at the ceiling fan thinking of all the things that could happen, you know that youre already doing everything that you can do to help prepare them for that time. And then squeeze everything else in, like the job training and all that kind of stuff.

Lisa: Well, thank you so much for sharing that. I definitely want to have you back on to talk about that even more because I think its just such a meaty topic. And I am sure, your youngest is 16, so Im sure this will evolve for you over time and youll have more to share.

Rob: Its constant. I mean, its constantly evolving. You cant plant your feet. You have to be as flexible as we want our kids to be, and yeah, so it is constantly evolving.

Lisa: Yes, thats such a great point. You have to be as flexible as we want them to be. Because one of the things that I have noticed is that with my son and his Autism, my rigidity popped out real quick, wanting to control everything, control his environment, outcomes, all of it. And so being flexible is just as important, if not more, for us as it is for them.

Rob: Absolutely.

Lisa: Alright, Rob, well, thank you so, so much for your time. I appreciate you coming on here. And the Autism mom meets the Autism dad. I feel like we should go out and fight crime because were finally doing this.

Rob: Superhero club.

Lisa: And so, yeah, so glad were doing this and I would love to have you back on again, just because you have such a wealth of information to share.

Rob: Well, thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.

Lisa: My pleasure.

Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach. If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me. Podcasts are great but the ahas are fleeting. Real change comes from application and implementation and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program. To schedule your consultation, go to my website, theautismmomcoach.com, Work With Me and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with Autism.