91: Processing an Autism Diagnosis

You are listening to episode 91 of The Autism Mom Coach, Processing an Autism Diagnosis.

In todays podcast I am bringing you a recent conversation with my former client and friend, Julia. Julia is going to talk about her experience coaching with me, how it changed nearly every aspect of her life. And how the skills she learned continue to support her as she officially stepped into the role as an Autism mom.

Before we get to Julia and her moving story, I want to take this time to remind you all that you dont have to do this alone. If you are struggling, if you are in pain, if you want to do tomorrow better as an Autism mom, schedule a consultation for my one-on-one program. It is truly the best gift that you can give yourself, your child and your family. And as Julia will share with you, it is the gift that keeps on giving.

You get these tools, you get support implementing these tools with me as your coach and then you take them into your life forever. You dont have to sit on a couch for years and years to get relief. You can get it now, you are worth it. Your life is worth it. Your mental and emotional health is worth it. So stop waiting. Stop putting yourself last and schedule a consultation with me using the link in the comments.

Now, if you are looking at my schedule and you dont see any times that work for you. I want you to email me at lisa@theautismmomcoach.com. Tell me what days and times work for you and I will work with you to make one work. Alright, lets get to todays episode.

Welcome to The Autism Mom Coach podcast, I am your host, Lisa Candera. I am a lawyer, a life coach, and most importantly, I am the full-time single mother of a teenager with Autism and other comorbid diagnoses. I know what it is like to wonder if you are doing enough or the right things for your child and to live in fear of their future.

I also know that constantly fueling yourself with fear and anxiety is not sustainable for you or of any benefit to your child. That is why in this podcast I will share practical strategies and tools you can use to shift from a chronic state of fight, flight to some calm and ease. You are your childs greatest resource, lets take care of you.

Lisa: For todays podcast, I have my former client Julia with me. Julia and I coached together for six months and we have been planning to do this podcast for a couple of months now. I wanted her to come on and to share her experiences coaching with me as a single mom of twins. As it happens, Julia has gotten some news today that is very fresh for her.

So instead of really focusing on what we coached about in the past, Im going to have Julia share where she is right now with her news because I think that this is something that all of us experience. And since Julia is here experiencing it now and shes been kind enough to share her experience with us. I think this will be really helpful for everyone. So with that, Julia, can you please introduce yourself?

Julia: Yeah. Hi, Lisa. Im so glad to see you. Im glad to be here today. I am Julia. Im a single mom like you said, of boy, girl twins. My twins were 27 week preemies. So weve had from day one, a journey, to say the least. But I obviously have benefited greatly from the coaching that we have had. And yeah, just really excited to chat with you about this new information that I have received recently so thanks for having me.

Lisa: So lets just give some background. You and I coached about a year ago for six months. So what was it that you originally came to me looking for?

Julia: Oh, gosh, I dont even know that I knew exactly. But I think for me I felt like there was a lot of things in life with having twins with multiple diagnoses and things like that, but I had tried coaching before. For me, I was really looking for someone that got it. And when I came across your website I noticed that you are a single mom too, that youre professional, and that youd been through it. And for me it was just really important to be able to talk to someone that has done this.

Because over the years Ive had a lot of parenting advice come from people in a lot of contexts who arent even parents, which I dont know, to me, I dont really understand how thats a thing. So it was more that I just knew that life was really, really difficult in a lot of areas and I was having a hard time managing it. And I was getting a lot of advice from a lot of people that I felt didnt know really what this experience was all about. So maybe what I was really looking for was empathy.

But I was able to get really clear on a lot of the things that were my beliefs and the stories that I had about my life. I was really stuck as a victim of my life circumstances and we worked through a lot of that together. But what I appreciated the most was just the experience that you have.

Lisa: Its so interesting because you dont need to have cancer to be an oncologist, we all know that. You dont have to have a certain experience in order to help someone. But when it comes to Autism, when it comes to special needs, when it comes to the tenderness of being a parent, you definitely are able to hear things differently when theyre coming from someone whos walked in your shoes. Because I could give you the same advice maybe that you would have gotten out of a book but it might just come out differently.

You might feel it differently. You might be able to listen to it differently because you know that Ive walked the walk.

Julia: Yeah, absolutely. And that meant so much to me, but also I think I have had bad advice.

Lisa: Theres that too.

Julia: I mean my kids were in play therapy with, I think a counselor who was a mom and she was like, Its all about time in, time in. And Im like, Okay, but my kids are having violent tantrums, theyre trying to hurt me because theyre not okay. If I try to hold them and have time in with them it gets worse. So I dont know. I just maybe felt a lot of times along the way that there were people that just really didnt understand maybe the severity of what I was talking about or I felt blamed or criticized for an approach and I was really struggling.

So knowing that you had lived through, maybe not exactly what Ive lived through, but theyre similar and you know sort of the extremes that parenting goes to with our kids. I think you coach from that perspective, which was exactly what I needed at the time.

Lisa: So share with us at the time what were your childrens diagnoses?

Julia: Yeah. So when we started working together, so my kids, their very first diagnosis was something called DCD or developmental coordination disorder. I think, Im in Canada, thats what its called here. But I think in other countries it can also be referred to as dyspraxia, which I understand is basically diagnosed clumsiness, is how I like to describe it. But its a disconnect between cognition and the muscle coordination. So that was first when they were about four years old and that was diagnosed by their NICU follow-up.

And then at that time we were told to go pursue an ADHD diagnosis because there was a high incidence of ADHD with DCD. So we did and they were both, I think, in junior kindergarten around age four diagnosed with ADHD. And later on, a couple of years later when they were in second grade, diagnosed with learning disabilities in math, reading, writing, as well as generalized anxiety.

So when we started coaching together the official sort of diagnosis that my kids were being sort of treated for were anxiety disorder and ADHD. And at the time I really suspected that my son probably had Autism. I had people mention it along the way but tell me reasons why he didnt have it and then it was never sort of pursued. But I was very much thinking that he probably did.

Lisa: So speaking of that, why dont we get into todays topic and why dont you just lead us up with how fresh this is and just where you are right now.

Julia: Yeah. So, I mean, I guess just a little bit of context is I have really struggled to find the right doctor for my kids. Were now on our very third pediatrician who is fortunately really wonderful. And I waited on a very long waiting list to get in to see her. And a couple of weeks ago we had our first appointment and she did a very thorough assessment where she read all of their past reports. And then had two hours of meetings with me, two hours of meetings with them, another couple hours meetings with me.

And yesterday she let me know that she is going to be diagnosing my son with Autism. And were looking at an Autism diagnosis for my daughter, but its a bit unclear still at this point. So it hasnt been confirmed, but over time shes going to sort of monitor some things and get to know her better and see what she thinks. So, yeah, I got the official diagnosis for my son just yesterday.

Lisa: And so you were saying before we got on that when you were filling out the paperwork, what was your experience. You said things like, I knew and it was validating. Can you tell me a little bit about that?

Julia: Yeah, for sure. I mean one of the things with this has been over the years I have brought it up to doctors that I suspect that my son might be Autistic. And its been brushed off. Our last pediatrician on our first visit into him when we were sort of just getting to know each other said, Id really like to explore some testing for my son for Autism because I think he might have it. And he took one look at him and asked me, Well, has the school says he has it? And I said, Well, no, I dont think that thats their role.

And he said, I really dont think he has it and if he has it, the school will say something. Which is definitely not how things work here, the school would never bring that up. So I felt really dismissed. And I think in that moment I felt like I definitely cant work with this doctor either, just sort of like the one before who I think I had also mentioned it to. And even from the age, he was a baby, his early occupational therapist and people said, Maybe Autism. But then it was brought up that, Well, he likes to cuddle so its probably not Autism.

So its been discussed over the years and then I guess for the last couple of years Ive really thought thats whats going on in addition to everything else. And so again, on my first meeting with this new pediatrician, I did say I have some suspicions about Autism. And she said, Tell me more about that. And I explained to her, for both my daughter and my son, some of the things I was seeing. And she said, Alright, well, were going to get some checklists going. You can send some to the school.

And so I filled out, there was two different ones. Im not exactly sure what theyre called, but all sort of ranking scale or yes, no questions. For my son in particular it was alarming to me at just how obvious it was. That if these are the criteria he is overqualified, I guess, in terms of that.

Lisa: Hes passing this with flying colors.

Julia: Yeah, hes definitely passing this test. And my daughter, in different ways. There was different ways that she was really passing the test and they present very differently. So filling out the form, it felt good actually, it felt validating. I felt thankful that this doctor was paying attention. I felt grateful to his teachers and her teachers that theyre willing to fill them out and share their observations. So overall, I think that was a good process because in my head, in my mind, Im just so ready for him to have a final answer, of whats really going on, the full picture.

And it doesnt really change anything because I mean both my kids with all their diagnoses, theyre already in self-contained classrooms in their schools, theyre getting great support from the school system. Its more just [inaudible] the answers.

Lisa: Yeah. Its more context around why somethings happening and just that own validation for yourself. Tell me about how thats felt, to have always known but now getting an official diagnosis.

Julia: So I was surprised. Im surprised at how the official diagnosis, so at first it was [inaudible]. So it was very sort of a matter of fact. It was like, Okay, the next steps, Im going to send you a letter. Were going to also try this new medication. All the things that I would talk about with a doctor. And I felt very calm and confident and shared sort of the information with who I needed to share it with. Im very administratively inclined. So she immediately sent the diagnosis letter, which I then sent to the school.

Weve actually agreed that Id like her to be the one to tell my son about the diagnosis because I think that hes going to have a lot of questions. And I think his context around Autism, I dont think he understands that it could be a possibility for him. I think what he sees at school is just maybe the cases that are a bit on a different place in the spectrum, maybe non-verbal or things like that.

So I dont think he has a full understanding of what it is and I dont feel completely equipped to answer all his questions. So we kind of made a plan for that for how that was going to happen and I feel good about that. And I sent the paperwork to the school and got registered in the Autism program or whatever, so that he can start to be on all the waiting lists.

Lisa: Yes, hurry up. So you can wait.

Julia: Yeah. And then I went through my work day and had my meetings and it was busy. And then I got in the car at the end of the day at work and it sort of surprised me that all of a sudden this very heavy, sad feeling came over me and I just cried and cried. And I think off and on I have been crying since then. And Im not sad about the diagnosis. Ive known this for a long time, its not that.

I mean, I think its that Ive been advocating for so long and had to go through so many hurdles just to get to this point and had to push so hard. I feel that Im a person that has a lot of privilege to be able to do that. I speak the native language of our country. Im able to send strongly worded emails and Im able to do all the things but it still took a long time to get here.

And so I think this grief that Im feeling is, I dont know why but for some reason in my mind, that word Autism. It depicts a neurodiversity that the world seems to be starting to really understand in a way that ADHD and anxiety just sort of dont. So my son has been Autistic since birth. It has shown up in his Autistic ways since birth. There are so many sort of moments throughout life that Im being reminded of times when I knew something more was going on.

There was more to the story, where I also didnt have that name for it. I wasnt able to say, Hes Autistic and Autistic people struggle with this. The reason hes having a meltdown, tantrum that I cant control at the end of this really fun fair event is because hes completely overstimulated. And the stares and all the things that happened that whether we had the diagnosis or not would have still happened. But for me it would have been so helpful to just have a name for it.

That information would have been so helpful. And not to mention, hes 10 now but if I had known this, all the services that hes accessed, all the things that weve done along the way to support him. I think this could have been really helpful information. So theres a heaviness and theres an anger. Theres an anger at the system of people that I feel didnt listen to me even I told them what was going on. And while its validating to know now, theres also this feeling of injustice that it shouldnt have to be this hard, it really shouldnt.

And as Ive learned in our coaching, those are stories that I have around this topic that I believe Ive developed the skills to kind of work through them. But Ive also learned that its really important to feel my feelings. I have to be where Im at with this so that I can be able to process it. And so that by the time its time to let my son know about his diagnosis, that it can be not about me, but it can be about supporting him.

So for me, the goal right now is to feel my feelings, find my support, process it all. And then get to a place where I can be fully present and show up for him with my nervous system regulated and being calm and collected and his rock because thats what he needs from me, so yeah.

Lisa: There are just so many profound things that you said in there, I dont know where to start. But obviously the most important thing is, you touched on some things that we did in our coaching with the stories. But then you also countered it with the feelings which is so important because were never saying, dont feel your feelings. And the fact is it is bullshit. It isnt fair. Thats 100% valid. And for feeling that anger and that grief and all of that and letting all of that be part of your process.

When were talking about the stories its like, but how much of it do you want to bring forward and live in day-to-day? And there is a difference, but yeah, that is bullshit and its not fair. And Im just giving people a little bit of context, you touched on it briefly. But youre kind of a big deal. Youve written a book. Youve done a TEDx talk. You have a big job. If there was somebody who could get peoples attention and had the resources, you certainly did and you were still being shut down.

And so I think one of the things thats frustrating to know is that when were getting shut down and we are feeling very capable, whats happening to people who are less inclined or less able and you think of that. And you can definitely get swept away in even more grief and all that. But this was not for lack of trying, this was not for lack of advocacy. It was just the opposite. And so being frustrated, being upset by that is 100%, let yourself feel all of those feelings.

Julia: Yeah. I think about that because I think it just made me, first of all, the thing that keeps coming to my mind too is Im a lot more kind to myself now than I used to be. And so one of the things that you taught me was to have my own back and to support my decisions and not to second guess myself and question. And that was something that I did a lot through this process, these thoughts of, well, if I had done this then maybe blah blah blah. And I dont feel any of that right now.

I do feel both my son and I and even my daughter with her sort of maybe, maybe not diagnosis is were all exactly where were supposed to be. I know that for sure. And sometimes exactly where Im supposed to be is really uncomfortable, because theres some kind of learning or theres some kind of growth or the time is just right for some reason. I dont know why now. But the one thing that I learned definitely in this process is not to give up because if I had given up, I dont know what would have happened, but Im just grateful that I didnt.

And I almost did give up. I remember when we were coaching together, I had just gotten this new doctor. And I had a lot of, maybe shame around that things didnt work out with the first doctor. I just felt like he didnt have enough experience in complex mental health diagnoses for kids and he wasnt as comfortable prescribing the medication. So I found this new doctor and he was and he was almost, he was pushing up the dose, up dose but really didnt understand how, with anxiety and ADHD, the medications, there needs to be a real fine balance and I knew that.

I could see it because not only am I doing my own research and trying to educate myself, but Im also living it day-to-day. And I was really spoiled when my kids were in the NICU because we were part of a lot of programs where the parents were really part of the care team. And really we were considered to be almost equal to the doctors because we were the ones with the kids, we were the experts. And I just thought erroneously that the whole healthcare system would be [inaudible].

Any doctor would say, Well, youre the expert on your kiddo, because youre with them day in, day out. But in my case, I guess, doctors were, I just felt like they wanted to pat me on the head and [inaudible] me out of their office kind of thing and say, There you go. Lets just increase the dose and everything will be fine. But part of the challenge was I had to wait to get in to see that new doctor, so there was a lot of relief. I went, Okay, now, I have a doctor that will be comfortable prescribing. Now I have a doctor that will listen.

And its the same thing, but different. Hes not going to listen. And so, okay, now Ive got to try again. And I felt shame going back to our family doctor and saying, Im really sorry. I dont think its me, but its not working out with this doctor. But you know what? She knows me and she listened to me and she said, This is disappointing, but we cant have you have a doctor for your kids that doesnt listen because theyre going to go through puberty. Theres going to be hard times. So you need to be able to have a doctor you work with.

So I talked to a lot of people. I found the exact doctor that I needed through not just online research, but asking people, finding people that had kids with complex mental health diagnoses through Facebook or through wherever. And finding out who is the best doctor. And the doctor we have is now, shes further away but this is her area of expertise. And so it took, her waiting list was 18 months when we got on it. It might have been a bit quicker than that but theres been a lot of like you said, hurry up and wait.

Lisa: Yeah. And I remember you getting on her wait list, and I remember how relieved you were. But then there was this whole sort of dance that you were doing with the other doctor. I also remember if you want to share, I mean, and this is all part of you being the expert on your child. I do remember your doctor making a medication recommendation that you didnt take, that you actually, you had some back and forth about that, but you listened to your instincts there.

Julia: Yeah, I mean part of managing ADHD and anxiety at the same time is that, Ill just share my kids are on an SSRI for their anxiety and then a stimulant for their ADHD. And they counteract each other and the increase to the stimulant will up the anxiety. So its a very fine balance. And this doctor really sort of discredited that and said, No, just increase the dose. Theyre not on the highest dose, theyre not on the highest dose.

But our goal had always been to keep the lowest effective dose of the stimulant so that the anxiety could stay under control too. And so when he kept sort of pushing the dose, pushing the dose, I ended up really pushing back. And the other thing is, and this is now the story all comes together but for both my kids, their anxiety doesnt show up like its fight, flight, freeze, FON, whatever it is. They are fighters.

Lisa: [Crosstalk].

Julia: And thank God because my daughter was one pound at birth, my son was two pounds. Im glad theyre fighters. But their anxiety shows up as fight. And a lot of doctors dont understand that theres some kids that are just like, My tummy hurts. I dont want to go to school. My kids are like, Im going to scratch your face off, when theyre anxiety is high. And so my doctor had [inaudible] my sons anxiety and all of a sudden hes kicking people randomly or doing just behaviors that arent usual for him when his anxiety is well managed.

But he wouldnt listen to me when I said that stuff. So this is shameful to admit, but I would go in and lie to him, Id be like, Well, hes anxious. And said, Well, how does that appear? And Id be like, Well, hes really nervous and he doesnt want to be in the I would give examples from the past that Ive also seen, they werent complete false. But any time I said anything about anger, he would just say, No, thats ADHD, we have to up the ADHD medication pills. So I was able to kind of, I guess, through manipulation tactics, get what I needed.

Lisa: We call it advocacy.

Julia: But yeah, I mean, it didnt feel good though because theres this fear that goes with it of I shouldnt have to do this. You should listen to me. But in any event, I mean where were at today is that we have the right doctor. And I think one day Ill look back on the journey that it took to get here and therell be learning in it for sure. And Im going to choose to sort of move forward.

But the one reason, people in my life said, Well why are you pursuing the Autism diagnosis so hard? What difference is that really going to make? Is there a different treatment? Because theyre already getting a lot of support at school, like I said before. And I said, Because it needs a name. I need the validation of that name. And my kids need to know the whole picture of who they are. Because the more I learn about Autism and just this idea of being neuro atypical, its an identity. Its part of who these kids are.

And to know that, they can find their people. To know that, they can find their brilliance and their spark and the things that make them tick. They need to know who they are and I dont know. I have a lot of Autistic people in my life, and theyre some of my favorite people, the way their minds work is so different. They think about the worlds problems through a different lens. And even in the last five years, I think about my kids who also have dyslexia. And this idea of dyslexic thinking being an asset is something new in the business world. Things are changing.

Lisa: So when you say kids there, do you mean your students kids?

Julia: Yeah, older kids. So I mean I dont think its a bad thing. Im not grieving the diagnosis. Im grieving that it took so long to be able to have a name for who my son is, or at least a part of his identity.

Lisa: Yeah, I think thats such a beautiful perspective. And I know for my son when he found out he was 11, he was intrigued. He wanted to know more and he wanted to understand more. And I think it did help him in some ways, understand himself and appreciate things about himself more than he did before. Before Id always told him, Your brain is like a super computer and it organizes information differently. It can retrieve information differently than mine.

Because he would always be annoyed with me when I couldnt remember things. Where hed be like, Remember the time, and he would be very specific. And Id be like, No. Hes like, But. And he would give me more details. And Im like, No, my brain does not work that way.

Julia: I have this moment that has been playing over in my mind a little bit for the last day since Ive got this information which is sort of I think what I think of as the first moment in my sons life where I really knew somethings different about this boy. And its not even a crazy story. But he was two years old and his language was just starting to develop. It actually developed quicker than my daughters. And he could kind of mimic words, if he heard them said he could mimic them but he wasnt really talking and he definitely wasnt obviously reading or anything like that.

So we went shopping at a mall that was near an Olive Garden and we went to the Olive Garden for dinner. And as we were going in, I did say, Were at the Olive Garden, look, Olive Garden. And then we went in, ate dinner, everything was fine. And as we were leaving, my son looked up and he waved and he said, Bye, Olive Garden. It wasnt even that clear but I could tell what he was saying. And I thought, what? It was just this really weird, how did you hold that information in your mind this whole time? He was two.

It was just weird and it gave me that feeling of theres something different about this kid. I dont know what it is, but I just dont think thats a thing that a two year old would do. And ever since then, I mean every now and again, one of the things about him is hell be like, Remember that time. And then hell describe something that happened six years ago. And it takes me a long time to figure out what. But then Ill see that hes describing, we were living in our other house. And Im like, Oh my gosh. I dont actually, really remember, can you tell me more about that? But yeah, I mean that memory thing is funny.

Lisa: It is, its wild. Well, listen, thank you so much for being willing, again, this podcast episode, we had a very different idea. And the fact that you were willing to still come on and to talk about this, I really appreciate it. And actually, Ive had a couple of new clients come on and a couple of consults in the past week of clients or potential clients who are very new to the diagnosis and theyre going through something similar to you. And I think your willingness and your bravery and putting this out there will be very helpful for other people.

Julia: I know originally we were going to talk about the coaching. And would you be okay if I just said a few things that have changed for me since we did our coaching?

Lisa: Yeah, I would love that. And I would actually also too just to get your thoughts on what you learned from the coaching and how thats helpful for you now getting this news. I mean whats different for you?

Julia: Yeah. I mean, I think my whole perspective on it would be totally different if this happened before coaching. So again, when I say Im exactly where Im supposed to be. I have the capacity to handle this now in a different way. But I just remember, I didnt really talk about this a lot today, but a lot of what we talked about early coaching, was the nervous system and the stories that I created around my life. And I remember when we had our consult, you told me that I was creating stories and my thoughts were creating stories that were deciding my feelings essentially, and kind of that was affecting the outcomes.

And I was like, I dont know. But then I really started to see how that was true as we worked through week by week, circumstances in my life that I was struggling with. And Ill just share one of them was really feeling alone in the single parenting journey. And even though I was dating someone wonderful when we started our coaching together, we had sort of set up the situation where we were very much living separate lives and we each had our own places. And my life with my kids was very separate from my life with him.

And a lot changed through our coaching and the times where my partner was with the kids and I were very stressful for me because I was worried that he wouldnt be able to handle it or it was just a different dynamic and that kind of thing. And potentially together without the kids was so calm and peaceful and lovely. And we worked through a lot of that in our coaching, the stories that I had around that and the assumptions that I was putting on him.

Lisa: Well, I mean, I remember it was very much a fear that it would be too much for him. And so wanting to keep those worlds separate because you didnt think that you could have both.

Julia: Yeah, and meanwhile, every time Im alone with my kids, I feel like Im all alone, Im doing this all alone. So those stories were sort of not helping each other. And the feeling alone, I mean, part of our work was I went from dreading time with my kids to now I really treasure it and we have so much fun together. And it just really works because I figured out the ways in which we can have fun together. And I had to accept a lot of things along the way that they werent going to go according to my plan, necessarily.

Lisa: Yes, I remember that.

Julia: But I learned to kind of roll with those things and that was just not something that transformed for me quickly, was slowly over time checking in with my stories and my thoughts and my feelings and how much control I actually did have over that and learning how to regulate my nervous system. But Ill just quickly share that that partner of mine has since moved in with the kids and I at his suggestion, not mine, but its been about, I guess, going on six months now and its better than I could have ever imagined.

I really now have a real partner in this, he loves my kids and is so helpful and is building his own relationship with them, slowly but surely. And I dont think without the coaching that could have been possible. So Im really grateful to you for that.

Lisa: I remember, we almost fought about this a couple of times. Im like, What if? And youre like, No, it cant be because it will never work and it cant be possible.

Julia: Well, its just so funny because as I reflect on it now, you encouraged me to change the story about Im all alone. And then you fought with me on my fixed mindset around things with my partner. And Im a stubborn girl but I did eventually come along.

Lisa: You always implemented. And thats one of the things, even if something was uncomfortable, I always admired your willingness to implement, to try.

Julia: Well, I dont know, wise people in my life tell me that when Im in enough pain, Ill change. So thats my motto. But I just wanted to say its amazing to me how that story of Im all alone, by the work that we did in changing that story, literally I have a new reality in my life today and Im not all alone anymore and I feel supported. And even in this diagnosis, my partner and I are really in it together and Im just so grateful for that.

I learned that I can do it alone, and Im good at doing it alone, but I dont have to. And so today I have a partner. I dont know. I dont think it could have been possible without our work together, so thank you, Lisa.

Lisa: Well, it couldnt have been possible without you putting in the work that you put in. And you put in a lot of work, a lot of work. So on that note I want you to speak to your thoughts about doing it alone. That also meant you could have DIYd this. You could have gone through a lot of therapy. You could have read a lot of books and things like that. And I just want to get your thoughts for those in my audience who are coaching curious, why do it with me? Why do it with a coach, whats the benefit of that?

Julia: Yeah. I mean for me I was ready, I think. I have done therapy and theres definitely a place for that. Im not going to knock therapy at all. But for me it was I needed action. I needed things to really change. I felt my therapy stuff, childhood [inaudible], all of that. Its not about that. Its that life today, I dont know what to do. Im really struggling and I dont know why. And thats why, like I said, it was really important for me that you had kind of gone before me and could share your own experience but also that this is something that you also work through.

You learn this and youre passing it along to others, other women who are having struggles. Where its, I just knew it wasnt working and I didnt know how to fix it. And I didnt have time to do a deep dive into anything. I needed immediate results. And I think thats what coaching is. And I think theres some places in coaching too, where I got to where I realized, hey, you know what? I need more therapy on this. This is a deeper issue. Its bringing up big stuff. So I think theres a place for both.

But for me in the day-to-day just being able to have strategies to deal with my own thinking around things and feeling my feelings and calming my nervous system and being able to co-regulate with my kids, regulate myself so that I can help them regulate which is, I think, the number one thing Ive learned about kids like ours is they need to borrow our calm. And so for me I had to learn how to do that.

Lisa: Yeah, absolutely. So what would you say to the mom who is coaching curious, who is on the fence about whether or not to make the jump?

Julia: I would say youre worth it. I mean, its so clich, people always say secure your own oxygen mask, but things didnt start to get better with my kids until I was okay. And I couldnt be okay until I learned how to be okay. And I mean, its just that simple. I overcomplicate the hell out of it but once I stopped doing that and just started taking action and doing something, asking for help. It was really about just getting out of my stubbornness and asking for help and saying, I dont know how to do this, and I need the help.

And I dont need the help in terms of, Ive listened to all the books, Ive heard the podcast, Ive got the resources. I need someone to sit with me and call me out on my thinking and say, Youre actually able to think about that differently if you want to, and heres how. And youre creating this story and is that the story you want to be a reality? And where else is this showing up in your life? And all of those questions.

But I could really start to see how the answers that I needed were all within my own control. No matter what the circumstances were, I could decide how I wanted to think about them. And I could decide to create a calm state even in the midst of chaos. Its a superpower.

Lisa: Right. Its like having the keys to the operating system. Julia, thank you so much for taking the time, especially with everything thats going on, and you sharing what youve shared. I just think that its going to be so helpful to other moms who are in this tender spot of knowing, but then knowing and finding out and all the feels that go with that. So I so appreciate everything and all of your time.

And just again wanted to shout you out for just being such a tremendous client and you showed up for yourself all of the time and you implemented and you did the hard work. And Im just, Im so impressed by everything youve been able to create for yourself and your kids are so lucky to have a mama like you.

Julia: Thanks, Lisa. So good to see you.

Lisa: So good to see you too.

Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach. If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me. Podcasts are great but the ahas are fleeting. Real change comes from application and implementation and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program. To schedule your consultation, go to my website, theAutismmomcoach.com, Work With Me and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with Autism.