Last week Lisa named the biggest meltdown mistake—focusing on prevention. This week she picks up where that left off, moving from what not to do to the single most important thing you can do during a meltdown. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa shares the concept that guided her through her son’s most acute, aggressive meltdowns: being the “solid object.” A dysregulated child is searching for someone safe to anchor to, and the testing, pushing, and provoking are part of that search. Your job isn’t to control your child—it’s to stay a notch below them, regulated and grounded, so you can be the steady anchor they’re reaching for.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why preparation matters far more than prevention, and why how you show up—your energy—matters more than which strategies, books, or resources you have on hand.
- What it means to be the “solid object”: the calm, grounded adult a dysregulated child can anchor to, and why testing behaviors like pushing and provoking are part of a child’s search for that anchor.
- Why regulating yourself—rather than trying to control your child—gives you the most real influence over meltdowns, reducing their frequency, intensity, and duration over time.
Resources mentioned:
- Schedule a consultation with Lisa
- Join The Solid Circle Waitlist
- Free Training: Reduce Meltdowns by 50% This Week
Related episodes:
The #1 Meltdown Mistake Autism Parents Make (And How to Stop) (Ep #200)
The Power of Co-Regulation for Autism Moms (Ep #185)
Being Unbothered: How to Stay Regulated When Your Autistic Child Pushes
Listen Here
Transcript
Here’s a cleaned, teleprompter-ready version that preserves your voice while tightening grammar, punctuation, and flow.
You are listening to Episode 201 of The Autism Mom Coach: The Most Important Thing to Do During a Meltdown.
Hi, I’m Lisa Candera, mother to an 18-year-old son with autism and founder of The Autism Mom Coach.
When my son hit puberty and aggression and self-harm became part of our daily lives, I needed to figure out how to stay calm while he was constantly dysregulated.
But how?
Answering that question became my mission.
I have spent years learning what actually works. From all of that, I have created tools and strategies that have helped me stop escalating meltdowns, make impossible decisions, and parent for the long game.
I’ve now coached more than 100 moms through these same struggles.
In this podcast, I share everything I’ve learned—and everything I’m still learning—with you.
Let’s get started.
Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the podcast. I am so glad you’re here, and I hope you’re doing well.
In last week’s episode, I talked about the biggest mistake I see when it comes to meltdowns.
If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, go back and listen to it because it contains a key piece of information that will help you handle meltdowns more effectively.
That mistake is focusing on prevention.
In fact, it is the biggest mistake I’ve made as an autism parent, and I see autism moms making it all the time.
A focus on prevention puts an unrealistic amount of pressure on us to control something we cannot control—and neither can our children.
Today, I want to continue the conversation about meltdowns. Not just the mistakes we make, but the most important thing you can do right now to handle meltdowns more effectively.
Because when you handle meltdowns better, you reduce them.
You reduce their intensity.
You reduce their duration.
And over time, you often reduce how frequently they happen.
Why?
Because you are showing up with different energy and a different perspective.
And that shift matters.
Last week, I talked about moving from prevention to preparation.
When you hear the word preparation, you’re probably thinking about all the things you need to do for your child.
And yes, that is part of it.
But it is not the most important part.
I have learned this lesson over and over again.
You can have all the books.
All the therapists.
All the resources.
All the information.
You can have every strategy in the world.
But if you are showing up with fear, stress, and anxiety, those things matter far less than you think.
How you show up matters more than what you do.
That was the biggest and most difficult shift I had to make when I found myself dealing with meltdowns unlike anything I had experienced before.
It’s one thing when your child is five years old and you can throw them over your shoulder and get out of Dodge.
It’s a very different situation when they’re 13, 14, or 17 years old.
My approach had to change.
I could no longer focus exclusively on my son.
I had to focus on myself.
I want to spend some time on this because it is such an important concept.
This isn’t the piece we skip.
It’s the piece nobody ever taught us in the first place.
Sure, people tell us to stay calm.
But how?
What does that actually mean?
Do we really need to stay calm?
My answer is no.
You do not need to be calm in the way we imagine some perfectly zen parent calmly taking deep breaths while chaos unfolds around them.
You simply need to stay a notch or two below your child emotionally so that you remain in control.
The concept that guides my work and has carried me through some of the hardest moments of autism parenting is what I call being the Solid Object.
What in the world is a Solid Object?
That was exactly my question.
Years ago, I called one of my best friends, who is also a BCBA.
I was at my wit’s end.
If I’m being honest, I wanted her to tell me something I had never heard before.
I wanted the secret.
The thing that would finally help me calm my son down, control his behavior, and make everything easier.
She did tell me something I had never heard before.
But it had very little to do with him.
It had everything to do with me.
She said:
“You need to be the Solid Object.”
At the time, I thought, “Great. The last thing I need right now is another theory.”
But as she explained it, it immediately resonated because it matched my lived experience.
She explained that when a child is out of control, they are looking for a Solid Object.
Someone safe.
Someone steady.
Someone they can anchor themselves to.
The challenge is that they don’t always look like they are seeking connection.
They may provoke.
They may insult.
They may push you away.
They may test every boundary you have.
That made complete sense to me because it was exactly what I was living.
My son wanted my help while simultaneously rejecting it.
He wanted me close and wanted me gone.
I didn’t know anything.
I didn’t understand.
I was making everything worse.
That push-pull dynamic felt incredibly familiar.
And I had already noticed something important.
When I stayed regulated, it affected him.
When I stayed grounded, it affected him.
When I remained neutral, it affected him.
He was looking to me for regulation.
That realization changed everything.
Instead of focusing on how to control his regulation, I started focusing on my own.
Instead of asking how I could get him to calm down, I started asking how I could stay calmer than he was.
Not perfectly calm.
Just calmer than him.
When he went high, I stopped rising to meet him.
I stayed a notch below.
That is the Solid Object.
The Solid Object is the adult who remains grounded, steady, and in control so they can serve as an anchor for a child who has temporarily lost control.
This is the most important thing we can do as autism parents.
Learn how to regulate ourselves.
Learn how to become the steady presence when our child’s emotions are anything but steady.
This matters during meltdowns.
It matters during everyday challenges.
It matters when we are trying to model regulation.
It matters when we are trying to co-regulate.
It matters everywhere.
And it is the skill we were never taught.
This became crystal clear to me when I found myself dealing with severe meltdowns, aggression, and safety concerns.
The work wasn’t figuring out how to regulate my son.
The work was figuring out how to regulate myself so I could keep both of us safe.
That became my focus.
Since then, I’ve helped more than 100 autism moms do the same thing.
When a mom comes to me struggling with meltdowns, behavior, or conflict, the first place I start is with her.
Not because the meltdown is her fault.
Not because she’s causing the behavior.
But because she is the one thing she can control.
And when we start there, we gain far more influence than we realize.
No, we cannot control our children’s behavior.
But we can influence it.
And the most powerful way to do that is by becoming more regulated, grounded, and emotionally steady ourselves.
That is what it means to be the Solid Object.
Being the Solid Object is not just a theory.
It is a skill.
And it is the exact skill I teach inside my membership, The Solid Circle.
Right now, The Solid Circle is only open to current and former one-on-one clients.
But very soon, I will be opening the membership—and all of the tools inside it—to the public.
If you are looking for support specifically designed for autism moms, this is for you.
A place where you don’t have to explain autism.
A place where people understand what you’re talking about without a long backstory.
A place where women are nodding their heads because they have lived it too.
If that sounds like something you need, get on the waitlist now.
You can find the link in the show notes.
Click “Join the Waitlist,” and you’ll be the first to know when the doors open.
All right, everyone.
That is it for this week’s episode.
Thank you so much for listening.
I will talk to you next week.
Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach.
If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your own life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me.
Podcasts are great, but the ahas are fleeting.
Real change comes from application and implementation.
That is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program.
To schedule your consultation, visit TheAutismMomCoach.com and take the first step toward taking better care of yourself so you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism.
