Feeling like a failure as an autism mom can become the default when you are constantly measuring yourself against impossible standards. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa breaks down how those expectations get created, why they keep you feeling like you are always coming up short, and how to replace them with standards that actually make sense for the life you are living.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How to catch the unrealistic “should” expectations that make every hard day feel like evidence you are doing something wrong.
- How to set expectations around what you can actually control instead of your child’s behavior, progress, emotions, or outcomes.
- How to make your expectations specific and achievable so you have something useful to work toward instead of another impossible standard to miss.
Autism parenting gives you plenty of opportunities to judge yourself. This episode gives you a better way to measure your effort, your progress, and the way you want to show up for your child.
Resources mentioned:
Related Episodes:
- What it Means to “Lower the Bar” as an Autism Mom (Ep #54)
- ‘Have I Done Everything?’ Letting Go of Guilt as an Autism Parent (Ep #69)
- Perfectionism and Autism Parenting: Why Good Enough Is Enough (Ep #53)
Listen Here:
Transcript:
You are listening to episode 214 of the Autism Mom Coach how to Stop Feeling Like a Failure as an Autism Mom. Hi, I’m Lisa Candera, mother to an 18 year old son with autism and founder of the Autism Mom Coach.
Through years of trial and error, I have created tools that have helped me stop escalating meltdowns, make impossible decisions, and advocate more effectively for my son. I’ve now coached over a hundred moms through the same struggle. This podcast, I share everything I’ve learned and what I am still learning with you.
Let’s get started. Hello everyone and welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you are here and I hope you are doing well.
For those of you who have kids in school, I hope the year is off to a smooth start. If it is, congratulations. Savor it. And for those of you who’ve had a rocky start to the school year, stick in there. This too shall pass.
For this week’s episode of the podcast, I want to talk about a conversation I had with a client who is new to this autism journey. She is the mother of three kids under the age of three.
One of her children, who’s two and a half, was recently diagnosed with autism, and in addition to that, he is a medically complex child with a GI tube. Among other things, she was telling me everything she was doing during the course of a normal day.
Coordinating appointments, managing care, feeding and entertaining all three kids. After describing all of this, she said something like, I still feel like I am failing him.
So I asked her why and she said, because I lose my patience, I get frustrated, I yell sometimes. I am so tired, I’m barely present with my other kids and they get less of me because so much of my time goes to my autistic child.
These answers, it was clear that she had created or was measuring herself against expectations that basically required her to be endlessly patient, emotionally available, three people at one time, and perfectly regulated while parenting three kids under the age of three, one who was autistic and medically complex.
So then, anything short of this, she interpreted as evidence that she was doing something wrong, that she wasn’t doing enough, that she was failing her child.
And being so early on in her journey, I really wanted to address this with her because I know 19 years into this journey that if you leave those thoughts unchecked, that they grow and that they can undermine you. So what do you do in this situation?
It starts with identifying the expectations, those unwritten, subconscious expectations that you are measuring yourself by, because it’s the difference between Those expectations and reality that are creating the pain, that are creating the feeling of being a failure. And like I said, for this mom, her expectations of herself, all unconscious, were that she should be endlessly patient, present and pleasant.
And when you say it out loud like that, it sounds ridiculous, it sounds unrealistic. But that was the standard she was holding herself to without realizing it.
And so, really, the first step is bringing to light the expectation, the standard that you are holding yourself to and deciding is this realistic? And the answer, especially if that expectation has the word should in is almost always no.
Look for the expectation, and you can usually identify it by the word should. I should be more patient. I should know what to do. I should be able to prevent meltdowns. I should be able to stop a meltdown.
I should have figured out the right medication by now. I should be able to get my child to go to school. I should be able to get my child to talk. I should be able to regulate everyone in this family.
Those expectations just don’t sound reasonable.
But when you don’t say them out loud like that and see them in black and white, they’re just floating around in your brain like the truth, like something that is just universally true. And anything less than that is proof that you are a failure.
And the thing about autism parenting is it gives us endless opportunities to create impossible expectations for ourselves. Because our kids are autistic. They have a complex neurological condition. Most of them have more than one. And so it can really drive you crazy.
It can really lead you to believe that you are a failure if you are measuring yourself by that expectation, that you should be able to fix this, that you should be able to find the right therapies or combination of therapies, programs, medications, doctors, specialists, diets. And when you do, and if you do, then your child won’t struggle anymore. That’s the standard that we are holding ourselves to.
We’re only going to fail because no matter what we do, our children will still struggle.
They will struggle just as human beings having the human experience, but they’re also going to be living a life as an autistic person in a neurotypical world. It is the same as measuring your child with autism against a standard for a neurotypical child.
That is so unfair, it’s so unrealistic, and it only has one outcome. So we have a choice.
We can measure ourselves by unrealistic expectations and always feel like a failure, or that we’re coming up short, or we can proactively create expectations for ourselves that are realistic for our lives, our families, our children with autism. These proactive expectations are the counterbalance to the should thoughts and the impossible standards.
So now let’s talk about how to create expectations that are supportive versus impossible and shaming. First, you need to make it specific. You have to have something specific so you know whether or not you’ve done or not done the thing.
So instead of I will be more patient with my child, you need to really define that. Maybe it means when my child starts yelling, I am going to lower my voice or I am going to walk away or I’m going to ignore them.
Specific expectations give you direction and a tangible goal. Another example, instead of I will get my child to eat fruits and vegetables. It would be I will offer my child one new fruit or vegetable a week.
I will put it on their plate, I will decorate it with whipped cream, I’ll blend it into a smoothie or a brownie. That is specific. Another example, instead of I will be a better advocate for my child. You need to define that. What does it mean?
One example, I will communicate my concerns about my child’s reactions to new medications, to doctors, I will take data and I will ask follow up questions. Another example, instead of I will be a better advocate for my child. I will send a parent concern letter before each IEP meeting.
I will ask questions if I don’t understand. I will communicate with staff and teachers, I will take notes, I will ask follow up questions, I will review the IEP before the meeting.
Those are all really specific actions that you can take that will make you a better advocate.
But they’re defined because better advocate alone in your head will get translated to I will make sure that my child gets everything possible in the world that I think they need. And if they don’t get it or I don’t get it for them, then I have failed. That’s why you need to be specific.
Number two, when you are setting expectations for yourself as a parent of an autistic child, you need to make sure the Expectation is low, 100% within your control. And what do we know that’s in our control?
The only thing that we truly completely control, our thoughts, our emotions, our actions and reactions, that is it.
What we don’t control always and never other people, what they do, what they think, what they say, how they react, what that is not within our control. So if you have an expectation around your child or other people, you need to reframe them to what you can control or drop them altogether.
For example, I expect my child to speak three Word sentences and mand within six months of beginning speech therapy. You cannot control whether or not at the end of six months, your child will speak three sentences that is not within your control.
What is within your control? I will enroll my child in speech. I will practice manding exercises with my child. I will praise my child for all of the effort.
I will meet with the therapist. I will troubleshoot with the therapist.
Those things are within your control, but not whether or not your child actually speaks at the end of those six months. Another example, I expect my child to read at their grade level by seventh grade. Again, your child reading their actions not within your control.
What is within your control? Getting your child evaluated, enrolling them in a reading program, practice reading with them at home, communicating and collaborating with the team.
Another example, I expect to be able to comfort my teenager who is sad about not having friends at school. This is a topic that comes up with my moms of teenagers, and it’s heartbreaking.
They’re heartbroken and sometimes feel like they’re failing their child when they’re not able to make everything okay and take away that sadness and grief. And that’s totally understandable. But again, someone else’s emotions are not ours to control. So what we can control. I will listen to my child.
I will offer them support. I will call the case manager and ask them if there are some alternative options.
Perhaps there are autistic students in different class periods and lunch can be switched. Maybe a teacher or an A can help facilitate a connection with another child.
You can work with the staff to troubleshoot and find creative possibilities for encouraging social interaction, but you can’t make it happen. And number three, make the expectation achievable immediately.
Right now, right from where you are, this is where I want you to lower the bar and then lower it again. Our children with autism will give us endless opportunities to practice our skills. The expectation here is never 100%. 1% Better is better than zero.
Okay, so we’re looking at baby steps here. Let’s take a specific goal.
Instead of I will stay calm, we turned it into I will take three deep breaths before responding to my child when they are having a meltdown.
If Your child has six meltdowns a day and they’re each 20 minutes apiece, and your expectation of yourself is that for each of those meltdowns, throughout all of the meltdowns that you’re supposed to be breathing and staying calm, probably 100% not realistic. But if you can do it, maybe the first time or the second time because you Got some more energy in the tank.
Or you do it for a few minutes or you do it even once. All of that counts. All of that is creating a new pattern.
It is not realistic that any of us are going to be a hundred percent or honestly even like 40% when we are dealing with complexity all of the time. You really need to lower the bar.
Remember, your expectations need to be based on your actual life as a mother to a child or or children with autism and possibly other neurological conditions or disabilities. All right, that is it for this week’s episode of the podcast.
I know that this work of questioning your own beliefs, especially when you are living in a state of chronic stress and when you are in that state of chronic stress, your thoughts tend to be a lot in that all or nothing state space. That is the black and white thinking that we work with our kids on. It’s really hard to just pluck yourself out of that on your own.
That is why it is so valuable to have a coach, someone who gets your life, somebody who understands your situation as an autism mom, who can help you make those changes to your mindset, to your ability to emotionally regulate yourself so that you can feel good, you can feel confident, and you can feel supported as an autism mom. If this is something you are interested in, schedule a consultation call to work with me as your coach.
You can do this by going to the link in the show notes or going to my website, the autismmomcoach.com all right everyone, thank you for listening and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to the autism mom coach.
If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me. Podcasts are great, but the AHA’s are fleeting.
Real change comes from application and implementation and this is exactly what we do in my one on one coach coaching program.
To schedule your consultation, go to my website, the autismmomcoach.com work with me and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism.
