Rigidity is something we expect in our autistic kids, but it shows up in us too, especially under stress. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa turns the lens on parents and the all-or-nothing thinking that quietly runs the show. Using the saga of her son’s 4,000-piece Lego Death Star (a joy to build, then “dead to him” the moment a few pieces went missing), she catches her own black-and-white thoughts in the act: Legos never work out, I wasted $500, this was a fail. She explores why our brains love these mental shortcuts, what they cost us, and how to find the rich, nuanced space in the middle.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- What all-or-nothing thinking is, how it shows up across the autism community (love it or hate it, progressing or regressing, independent or dependent), and why it comes so naturally to a brain that craves certainty.
- A set of questions to check yourself for rigid thinking, from “my child only loves me if they say the words” to “I have to give up my life because my child has autism.”
- Why living at the extremes cuts you off from your own creativity, resourcefulness, and resilience, and how curiosity questions like “what could a third option be?” open up the space between all and nothing.
Resources mentioned:
Related episode:
Catastrophizing as an Autism Parent (And How to Stop) (Ep #10)
Listen now
Transcript
You are listening to the Autism Mom coast when you are rigid. Hello everyone. Welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you are here and I hope you are having a great summer. This week I am bringing you another most valuable podcast episode about rigidity. Of course rigidity is one of the things that we see and we look for, and we expect in our children with autism by virtue of them being autistic.
But it’s also a trait that shows up in all of us as, especially when we are stressed. I see this in myself and I see it all of the time with my clients. If something goes wrong, then everything is going wrong. If something happened one time, then it could happen every time. We all have these patterns of thinking.
That is why it’s so important to be aware of them because awareness is the first step in interruption. Alright, everyone, I hope you enjoy this podcast episode and I will talk to you soon. Hello everyone and welcome to the podcast. I’m so glad you’re here and I hope you are doing well. We are doing really well here.
We’ve been having such a great time in our new place. We just moved in last week and it’s been pretty busy, but all in all, it’s gone super well. And the last thing that I moved from our apartment to the townhouse was the Lego Death Star. I have the job to figuring out how to transport this giant Lego set.
Now, for those of you who are not familiar, the Death Star is from the Star Wars movies. It is the empire’s moon sized space station, and it can blow up planets and fun things like that. The Lego version of the Death Star is 4,000 pieces. My son had been asking for this Lego set since he was seven years old, and I always told him, no, we’re gonna wait until you get older.
When you have more experience and more patience, that’ll be the appropriate time to do it. And so sure enough, the perfect time came when COVID hit. And he was 13 years old. He’d put together tons of Lego sets, so we knew he had the skills to do it, and it just seemed to be the perfect thing to do during quarantine.
And it was, he was beyond thrilled to receive it and he had so much fun putting it together. And he was just so proud of himself because he put it together in just a few weeks, and that was with me urging him to take breaks and he was just having so much fun with it. So it was. Overall, just a really nice experience.
But now, two years later, this death Star is actually my death star because my son can’t even stand the sight of it. A few pieces fell off, a few went missing, and boom, the death star was dead To him. It was either perfect or it was worthless. I found this so frustrating and I have a lot of thoughts about it, and some of these thoughts are, Legos never work out.
There is always a problem. He can never just enjoy himself. I wasted $500 and this was a fail notice. Anything here, thought work has been really eye-opening and humbling for me. Noticing all of my all or nothing thinking and all of my rigidity, and it’s not just me. I see this in my clients all the time, and it seems ironic at first, right?
We are raising kids with autism. They are the ones with all or nothing thinking they are the rigid ones, right? But guess what? So are we, and sometimes maybe even more. So I wanna talk to you about all or nothing thinking how it shows up and how it makes perfect sense, but also what we can do to manage our minds when we find ourselves in these either or situations.
So first, all or nothing thinking is usually defined by pairs of opposites, such as something or someone is good or bad. And this is all over the place in the autism community. Take for instance, a, b, A therapy. Love it or hate it. No in between puzzle pieces. That’s a big one, right? For some people it’s either.
The greatest thing or the worst thing, something is either working or does not think vaccines, medications, speech therapy, but it can also show up as believing there are only two choices to something. For example, do you remember the character Walter from the Muppets movie? This was the 2011 version. In this song, a Man or a Muppet, the character Walter, is having an identity crisis caused by the fact that he sees both sides of himself and the belief that he is either one or the other.
That is what all or nothing thinking tells us. And when you start looking for it, you will find it everywhere. And it’s everywhere because it comes so naturally to the human brain. It provides our brains with certainty and brains love Certainty. Certainty means safety. It means your brain gets to preserve energy because it does not have to think or ponder.
You’re either a man or you’re a muppet. No identity crisis. Simple. So take a look at your thoughts and see where this shows up. And I’m gonna ask you a few questions here just to see if you see yourself in any of these. Are you telling yourself you have to implement a therapy exactly as prescribed, or you’re doing it wrong?
Do you tell yourself that your child is either progressing or regressing? Are you telling yourself that you can only feel loved by your child if they say the word, I love you. Do you tell yourself that you need to cut someone out of your life because they did something you dislike? Are you telling yourself that you have to give up on living your life because your child has autism?
Do you find yourself thinking your child will either be 100% independent or 100% dependent on you. These are all signs that you’re currently in all or nothing thinking. You are being rigid, and while there’s a lot of comfort for our brains in all or nothing thinking, there’s a huge downside to it as well.
When we view life at the extremes, we miss all of the nuance and possibility in between. We cut ourselves off from our own creativity, resourcefulness, and resilience. When we opt for the comfort of mental shortcuts over the discomfort of shades of gray, and when it comes to our children. When we view their happiness and success as either or, we set ourselves up for heartache and we miss all of the magic in the middle back to the death star.
If I were to view this with all or nothing thinking, here is what I would be letting go of the excitement I felt when I ordered this for my son. The anticipation I felt when he opened the box. The utter joy of watching him jump up and down and scream with excitement. The pride of watching him diligently, building a complex set and all of the feels of seeing him taking pride in his own accomplishment, all of that gone because why a few pieces are no longer together.
No thanks. I’ll keep the good and the amazing. If it means it comes with some disappointment, the space between all or nothing is fast. So the next time you feel yourself in black and white thinking, ask yourself these questions. How could the opposite be true? Where could I be wrong about this? What could a third option be?
How could both of these things be true? Get curious with yourself. Take a look, see where all or nothing thinking is coming up for you, and challenge yourself to find a third or fourth or 10th option.
Thanks for listening to the Autism Mom Coach. If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me. Podcasts are great, but the ahas are fleeting. Real change comes from application and implementation, and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program.
To schedule your consultation, go to my website, the autism mom coach.com, work with me and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism.
