When it comes to autism behaviors–there is always a reason.
A few weeks ago, Rachael came to our group coaching call feeling uneasy.
Her son Leo had begun holding his hands out in front of him, palms uplike a surgeon about to scrub in. He was not in distress, but he was not budging on his palms up mandate.
On the call, Rachael vacillated between concern (What is the reason for this behavior? Is this an autism behavior? and catastrophizing (What if he stops washing his hands or refuses to brush his teeth?)
This is where so many of us live.
We dont sit neatly in one extreme or the other. We hover between mild worry and full-blown fear. We try to stay measured, but our minds are already racing:
Is this a new behavior?
Should I be worried?
What if it gets worse?
What if it never stops?
What if it means something serious and Im missing it?
We all do this
This blend of concern and catastrophizing isnt overreactingits adaptive.
It comes from years of experience reading behavior as communication, preparing for the worst, and being toldsometimes bluntlythat if we miss a sign, our child could suffer.
So when something unfamiliar shows up, we start interpreting the solution, without knowing what or if there is a problem in the first place.
Thats what Rachael was doing. And thats what most of us do.
Is this an autism behavior? she asked.
Probably, I replied. And itll probably go as quickly as it camereplaced by something else.
I wasnt guessing. I was speaking from years of watching my own son, Ben, do things that made no sense to me. This looked familiar.
It doesnt make sense to you, I told her. But it makes sense to him. He has his reasons.
The Logic Beneath the Behavior
Sure enough, several weeks later, Rachael came to our call with an updated.
As predicted, the palm-up behavior disappeared without fanfare.
In its place came something new: Leo insisted on wearing long pants.
He was focused on covering a small scratch just above his knee.
But it was so hot outwhy not shorts? Rachael asked him.
He pointed to the scratch.
I have to wear clothes over my scratches so nobody asks.
And there it washe had a reason.
He went on to tell her that this was the reason he had to walk with his palms up a few weeks ago. Apparently, he had a small cut below his pointer finger.
and he did not want any questions.
Leos reasoning was astute and accurate.
A visible scratch means an adult will ask about it.
Hell have to answer.
Theyll probably ask a follow-up.
Hell have to answer that, too.
How exhausting and unnecessary!
Like Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Leo had zero interest in a stop-and-chat about every scratch and bruise on his body. So he opted out of the whole thing by simply hiding the scratches in the first place.
The annoyance of holding his palms up or wearing long pants in the heat was, apparently, a fair tradeif it spared him the endless back-and-forth about a scratch or bruise he didnt even remember getting.
From Concern and Catastrophizing to Curiosity
For Rachael, this was a revelation.
The hand-covering. The visible discomfort when someone noticed a mark on his face. The times he seemed agitated after a tiny scrape. What once looked like odd now looked like boundaries. Like intention. Like social self-protection.
Leo was predicting a problem and solving it ahead of time.
It did not make sense to her–but it didn’t have to, either.
And that realization changed Rachaels role in real time.
She didnt need to retroactively decode every confusing moment. She just needed a new anchor point:
Theres a reason and it makes sense to himeven if its not obvious to me.
Conclusion & Takeaway
When your child does something unexpected, its natural to feel that familiar mix of concern and catastrophizing rise up.
Thats okay.
And often, your child wont tell you whats going on.
Some wont say because they cant find the words.
Some are nonspeaking.
Some simply dont want to talk about it.
That doesnt mean theres no reason. It just means the reason lives inside them.
Before trying to interpret or troubleshoot it, remind yourself:
There is a reason for this behavior. It makes sense to them.
Let that thought interrupt the urgency.
Let it hold space for what you dont knowyet.
Let it be your cue to pause instead of push.
Because when you believe theres a reason,youre more likely to see the strategy beneath the behavior. And less likely to conclude it is another problem you need to solve.
P.S. Meltdowns are not surprises! Know exactly what to do and what not to do the next time your child gets dysregulated. Download my free Meltdown Action Plan (MAP).
P.P.S. Ready to create immediate change in your autism parenting experience now? In my 1:1 coaching program, Ill help you go from walking on eggshells to knowing exactly what to do when your child is melting down. Youll stop second-guessing yourself and start feeling calm, in control, and able to actually helpright when it matters most.
To get started, book your consultation call HERE.
