After covering the biggest meltdown mistake and the most important thing to do during one, Lisa turns to the part most parents would rather skip: the ways we unintentionally make meltdowns worse. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, she walks through five common escalators—too much talking, threats and consequences mid-meltdown, a tense voice, sarcasm, and dramatics—not as a gotcha, but because what you do is the one part of the equation fully within your control. You don’t need your child to comply or change anything for these shifts to work, and small changes in what you stop doing can change the whole temperature of the room.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why talking, explaining, and negotiating during a meltdown tend to backfire, since a dysregulated child is responding to your affect—your urgency and impatience—rather than your words.
- How threats, consequences, a tight or clipped voice, and sarcasm pour fuel on the fire, and why “if you can’t change your tone, be quiet” is often the most useful move in the moment.
- Why dramatics and “performing” for an audience escalate public meltdowns, and how focusing on small, controllable shifts—rather than perfect parenting—lowers the intensity for everyone.
Resources mentioned:
- Schedule a consultation with Lisa
- Join The Solid Circle Waitlist
- Free Training: Reduce Meltdowns by 50% This Week
Related episodes:
The Most Important Thing to Do During a Meltdown (Ep #201)
The #1 Meltdown Mistake Autism Parents Make (And How to Stop) (Ep #200)
The Power of Co-Regulation for Autism Moms (Ep #185)
Listen Here
Transcript
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to The Autism Mom Coach Podcast.
In last week’s episode, I talked about the most important thing you can do during a meltdown. This week, I want to talk about the part most parents would rather skip: how we sometimes make meltdowns worse.
When I am coaching clients—especially in those first few sessions—I spend a lot of time trying to understand what a meltdown actually looks like. Not just the meltdown itself, but the entire cycle.
One of the things I’m paying close attention to is what Mom is doing—or not doing—that may be escalating or prolonging the meltdown.
This is not a gotcha.
It’s because the easiest changes to make are the ones that are within our control.
We don’t need our child to cooperate, listen, comply, or do anything differently for us to make these changes.
So let’s talk about some of the things you may be doing that are not helping.
1. TOO MUCH TALKING
The first one is talking.
When our kids start escalating, most of us start talking.
We explain.
We ask questions.
We remind.
We correct.
We negotiate.
We try to get them to understand.
We say things like:
“Take a breath.”
“Use your words.”
“Why are you so upset?”
“We already talked about this.”
“You need to calm down.”
“You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”
But it doesn’t work.
Because this is not a teachable moment.
Your child is not responding to your words.
They are responding to your affect.
Your urgency.
Your impatience.
Your frustration.
Your desperation for the situation to stop.
When a child is dysregulated, fewer words are almost always better than more.
2. THREATS AND CONSEQUENCES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIRE
The second thing that makes meltdowns worse is reaching for threats and consequences in the middle of the meltdown.
Most of us were taught that when a child escalates, the adult should get firmer.
Talk more.
Explain more.
Raise the stakes.
Make the consequence clear.
Make sure the child knows who’s in charge.
For a dysregulated child, that approach is often gasoline on the fire.
They are not processing information the way they would if they were regulated.
They are not hearing the lesson.
And when the compliance you expect doesn’t happen, you become more frustrated.
Now both of you are escalating.
The middle of a meltdown is rarely the time for consequences.
The middle of a meltdown is the time for regulation.
3. YOUR VOICE TELLS THE TRUTH
The third thing is your voice.
And I’m talking about much more than yelling.
I’m talking about the tight voice.
The clipped voice.
The controlled-but-clearly-furious voice.
The voice that says, “I am about to lose it,” even when the words themselves sound perfectly reasonable.
Kids hear that.
In fact, your child may process your tone long before they process your words.
You can say, “I’m here to help.”
But if your voice sounds angry, rushed, scared, or panicked, that’s what your child is reacting to.
You can tell a child you’re calm through gritted teeth.
They know you’re not.
If you can’t change your tone, say less.
Sometimes silence is more regulating than words.
4. SARCASM AND PETTINESS
The fourth thing is sarcasm and pettiness.
This one tends to show up when you’re exhausted.
When you’ve spent years dealing with rigidity, screaming, aggression, school calls, ruined plans, and constant stress, frustration starts leaking out sideways.
So the comments come out.
“Oh, now you want to cooperate.”
“Nice attitude.”
“Interesting how you can hear me now.”
“Good luck with that.”
I understand why it happens.
There are moments in autism parenting when you feel pushed well beyond your limit, and sarcasm can feel like the last tiny piece of power you have left.
But sarcasm during a meltdown usually adds shame and anger to an already charged situation.
And if I’m being honest, sarcasm is usually less about teaching the child and more about the parent trying to get a little control back.
I say that because I’ve done it.
During a meltdown, your job is to get through the moment with as little damage as possible.
The lesson can come later.
The conversation can come later.
The repair can come later.
The snark almost always costs more than it gives.
5. DRAMATICS
The last one is dramatics.
Big emotional reactions from us often make the situation worse.
Things like:
“Oh my God.”
“I cannot do this anymore.”
“You’re ruining this entire day.”
Crying loudly.
Storming around.
Slamming cabinets.
Threatening to leave.
Again, I understand why this happens.
Autism parenting can be relentless.
Sometimes the meltdown is the fifth hard thing you’ve dealt with before noon.
Sometimes you’re already running on fumes when one more thing explodes.
But when the room is already overloaded, adding more intensity rarely helps.
This becomes especially difficult in public because now you’re managing both the meltdown and the audience.
That’s when parents start performing.
Over-explaining.
Apologizing repeatedly.
Getting harsher because they feel embarrassed.
Trying to prove to strangers that they’re handling the situation.
I’ve been there too.
But your job is not to manage other people’s opinions.
Your job is to help your child through the moment in the way that actually works.
Your job is to protect the situation.
Protect your child.
And protect your own ability to think clearly.
Sometimes that means leaving the cart and walking out of the store.
Sometimes that means staying quiet while people stare.
Sometimes that means focusing completely on your child and letting strangers think whatever they’re going to think.
You cannot run a meltdown response through a public relations department.
You need a plan.
And you need to follow it.
WHAT THIS MEANS
Here’s what I want you to take away from this episode.
The goal is not to handle every meltdown perfectly.
That is not a real thing.
Instead of trying to overhaul your entire parenting approach overnight, start looking at the smaller things you can stop doing—or do differently—that may improve the situation.
Maybe you stop asking questions once your child is already escalated.
Maybe you stop explaining the same point five different ways.
Maybe you stop threatening consequences in the middle of the meltdown.
Maybe you lower your voice earlier.
Maybe you pause before walking into the room.
Maybe you move the sibling first instead of trying to lecture your child into self-control.
Maybe you save the teaching for later.
Those sound like small shifts.
But small shifts change the temperature of the room.
Meltdowns are already hard.
When we add more words, more pressure, more urgency, more emotion, and more intensity, we often make them harder.
So start there.
Pay attention to what you may be adding to the moment.
Closing
If this episode resonated with you, I want you to check out my new training, Reduce Meltdowns by 50% This Week.
Inside the training, I walk you through exactly what to do before, during, and after meltdowns so you can move from reacting in the moment to responding with a plan.
I’ll link it in the show notes.
All right, everyone. Thanks so much for listening, and I will talk to you next week.
