Continuing the deep dive into meltdowns, Lisa lays out the full process she uses and teaches her clients: a before, during, and after approach for handling meltdowns like a pro. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, she’s clear that “like a pro” doesn’t mean perfectly. It means being prepared, having a plan, following it, and revising it as you go. Because meltdowns are dynamic and variable, the work starts long before one begins, with understanding your own triggers and reactions, and it continues well after one ends, so you stop replaying it for hours and priming yourself for the next.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why handling meltdowns “like a pro” means preparation, a plan, and honest evaluation rather than perfection, and why the work has to start before a meltdown ever begins.
- What the “before” phase looks like: identifying your own triggers and reactions, accepting what predictably happens without resisting it, and deciding in advance what you will and won’t do.
- How to manage the “during” phase by slowing down and grounding yourself in the present, and how to use the “after” phase to reconnect and review instead of replaying guilt and priming yourself for the next meltdown.
Resources mentioned:
- Schedule a consultation with Lisa
- Join The Solid Circle Waitlist
- Free Training: Reduce Meltdowns by 50% This Week
Related episodes:
The Most Important Thing to Do During a Meltdown (Ep #201)
The Sneaky Ways You May Be Escalating Your Child’s Meltdowns (Ep #202)
The #1 Meltdown Mistake Autism Parents Make (And How to Stop) (Ep #200)
Listen Here
Transcript
You’re listening to Episode 203 of The Autism Mom Coach Podcast: How to Handle Autism Meltdowns Like a Pro.
Autism meltdowns are one of the hardest parts of parenting a child with autism. They can take over your house, your schedule, and your confidence.
A lot of us get stuck in the same cycle. We try to prevent a meltdown, and then when the meltdown is happening, we try to jump in and shut it down as quickly as possible.
All of that effort often ends up making the meltdown worse, escalating it or prolonging it.
That is why in this episode, I want to talk to you about the before, during, and after process I use to help you handle meltdowns like a pro.
Hi, I’m Lisa Candera, mother to an 18-year-old son with autism and founder of The Autism Mom Coach.
When my son hit puberty, aggression and self-harm became part of our daily lives, and I needed to figure out how to stay steady while he was dysregulated.
No one had any real answers, so I made it my mission to figure this out myself.
Through years of trial and error, I created tools that helped me stop escalating meltdowns, make impossible decisions, and advocate more effectively for my son for the long game.
I’ve now coached more than 100 moms through these same struggles.
In this podcast, I share everything I’ve learned and everything I’m still learning with you.
Let’s get started.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of the podcast. I am so glad you are here, and I hope you’re doing well.
In this week’s episode, we are continuing our deep dive into autism meltdowns. I want to talk to you about the process I use and teach my clients so you can handle meltdowns like a pro.
Before we get into that, let’s talk about what it means to handle something like a pro.
It does not mean handling something perfectly.
When I think of a professional, I think about someone who is prepared, someone who has a plan and follows it, and someone who can evaluate what went well, what did not go well, and revise the plan as needed.
That is how I think about meltdowns.
Planning.
Preparation.
Implementation.
Evaluation.
Meltdowns are dynamic. They are variable. There is no one-size-fits-all approach.
That means we have to bring experience, flexibility, and a willingness to adapt so we can get better at what we are doing.
When I was at the height of meltdowns in my own home, the first thing I knew was this:
Figuring out how to handle a meltdown while it is happening is too late.
When I was creating a process for myself, I knew that process had to begin before the meltdown happened.
Because once the meltdown was on, I was already discombobulated and in reaction mode. It was hard to think straight.
That is why the process I use and now teach my clients starts before the meltdown even happens.
When your preparation starts before the meltdown, you are able to assess your own triggers.
What sets you off?
What pulls you into reaction mode?
What makes you more urgent, more anxious, more frustrated, or more likely to say or do things that escalate the situation?
For example, your child walks in the door after school, slams the door, goes into their room, and slams that door too.
You feel frustrated.
You feel disrespected.
You start telling yourself your child is being rude or difficult.
That is where the preparation begins.
You know what happens.
You know how you react.
You know how you act when you are in that reactive mode.
The before process is about understanding and accepting the pattern.
Maybe your child comes home from school irritated. Maybe they don’t want to talk. Maybe they go straight to their room. Maybe that has happened for the last three days.
Acceptance does not mean you love it.
It means you stop resisting the reality of it long enough to plan for it.
Instead of bracing yourself and wondering, “What is she going to be like today?” you recognize the pattern and prepare yourself.
Because when you are surprised by the same thing over and over again, you are not actually surprised.
You are unprepared.
When you start the preparation beforehand, you are not only preparing for what may happen with your child.
You are preparing for how you may react to it.
That gives you the chance to decide ahead of time what you will do and what you will not do.
For example, I eventually got to the point with my son where when he walked through the door, I did not say a word to him.
I did not ask about his day.
I did not ask about homework.
I did not try to figure out his mood.
I stayed in my office and continued doing whatever I was doing.
I let him come in.
I let him do what he needed to do.
And I stayed put.
That took work on my part.
Because the urge is to ask questions.
The urge is to scan the situation.
Is he in a good mood?
Is he in a bad mood?
Is he going to melt down?
That nervous energy never helped.
So when you are thinking about how to handle a meltdown, you need to think beforehand about what you will do, what you will not do, and what your plan will be.
That is what allows you to execute the plan when the meltdown is actually happening.
Because if you spend all the time before the meltdown bracing, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop, you are already on your back foot when the meltdown happens.
You are not prepared.
That is when you become more reactive than you want to be.
Instead, you want to shift into acceptance.
Meltdowns happen.
And I need a plan.
That plan gives you something concrete to focus on when your own fight-or-flight response kicks in.
Next, we move to the during phase.
During the meltdown, it is on.
What do you do?
Unless your child is eloping, in immediate danger, or creating an immediate safety issue, the first thing you need to do is slow it down.
During the meltdown, you are going to resist almost every urge you have.
The urge to jump in.
The urge to say more.
The urge to scold.
The urge to direct.
The urge to explain.
The urge to make the point.
Those are the things that often escalate the situation.
Instead, pause.
Slow it down.
Ground yourself.
Another big piece of the during phase is letting go of how the day was supposed to go.
Because when a meltdown happens, you usually have other expectations and priorities.
You are dropping your child off at school, and they are melting down in the back seat because they will not get out of the car.
You are thinking, “My train leaves in ten minutes. I need to go.”
That urgency raises your anxiety.
And that anxiety enters the situation.
During the meltdown, it is essential to ground yourself in the present moment.
That is hard.
But the better you get at staying focused on what is actually happening now, instead of projecting into what this is going to ruin, the easier it becomes to stay steady.
That is how you bring the co-regulating energy your child needs.
Calm.
Grounded.
Steady.
Not perfect.
Just steadier than the meltdown.
Finally, if you want to handle meltdowns like a pro, you need a strategy for after the meltdown ends.
A lot of times, after the meltdown is over, the child moves on.
They go off and live their life.
Meanwhile, Mom or Dad is still a wreck.
We want to jump in and scold.
We want to explain why what happened was unacceptable.
We want to talk about consequences.
We want to make sure it never happens again.
But jumping in with that energy right after the meltdown is a surefire way to trigger the next one.
Again, the work is resisting the urge.
After the meltdown, focus on grounding yourself.
Regulating yourself.
Getting the stress energy out of your body.
Processing what happened instead of living inside the meltdown for hours or days after it is already over.
This is one of the biggest things I have experienced personally and seen with my clients.
The meltdown is over for the child.
But we are still living it over and over again.
The guilt.
The shame.
The anxiety.
The fear.
The replaying.
And what that does is prime us for the next meltdown in the wrong way.
We become trigger-happy.
The smallest thing can set us off because we never actually recovered from the last event.
Instead of using the after phase to beat yourself up, use it to evaluate.
What went well?
What worked?
What did not work?
What will I do differently next time?
This is what sets you up for the next time.
And there will be a next time because that is life.
So in the after phase, the work is shifting out of blame, guilt, and frustration and into grounding yourself, reconnecting with your child, reviewing what helped, reviewing what did not help, and deciding how you want to move forward next time.
That is the before, during, and after process I use myself and teach my clients.
If you want to dive into the full process and each element in more detail, you can grab my free training, Reduce Autism Meltdowns by 50% This Week, by going to the show notes.
In less than one hour, I will walk you through the before, during, and after process and apply it to seven different meltdown scenarios so you can see how to implement it in real life.
All of those scenarios come from either my lived experience or the experiences of my clients.
You can grab the training now by going to the show notes.
All right, everyone. Thank you for listening. I will talk to you next week.
Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach.
If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me.
Podcasts are great, but the ahas are fleeting.
Real change comes from application and implementation, and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program.
To schedule your consultation, go to TheAutismMomCoach.com/work-with-me and take the first step toward taking better care of yourself so you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism.
