Ep #48: The Big Mistake Every Autism Parent Makes and How to Stop It

You are listening to episode 48 of The Autism Mom Coach, The Big Mistake Every Autism Parent Makes and How to Stop It. Autism parents are the most resourceful, creative and zealous advocates when it comes to their children. There is not much that we won’t do for or in service of our child. The one thing though that we really struggle to do for our kids is to focus our attention on ourselves.

Taking care of ourselves is not something that we do in spite of our children. It is something we do for them because we are our child’s greatest resource and how we are doing matters a lot. So ignoring ourselves is a big mistake, a loving one of course but still a mistake but it is one that we can begin to correct right now. Stay tuned to learn how.

Welcome to The Autism Mom Coach, a podcast for moms who feel overwhelmed, afraid, and sometimes powerless as they raise their child with Autism. My name is Lisa Candera. I’m a certified life coach, lawyer, and most importantly I’m a full-time single mom to a teenage boy with Autism. In this podcast, I’ll show you how to transform your relationship with Autism and special needs parenting. You’ll learn how to shift away from being a victim of your circumstances to being the hero of the story you get to write. Let’s get started.

Hello everyone and welcome to the podcast and to February. I hope you are doing well. Two things before we get started. If you haven’t already, sign up for my free course, Keeping Your Cool During a Meltdown. You can get this course in the show notes or you can go right to my website, theAutismmomcoach.com and grab it there.

Now, even if meltdowns or your child’s behavior are not a current pain point for you right now this course will still be helpful. Because I walk through the framework I use when I’m coaching my clients no matter what the issue is that they are coming to me for. Anything from anxiety about the diagnosis, their anxiety about whether they are doing enough or the right things and their fear of the future, this framework, the tools I teach, they work for everything.

And let’s face it, our kids don’t need to be melting down for us to experience increased stress levels related to their diagnosis. And that is really what this course and what my coaching program is all about, how we can understand, manage and support ourselves when we are feeling dysregulated when we are feeling stressed so that we can show up as the parent we want to be even when parenting does not look like anything we expected.

Okay second thing, I am offering a time-limited discount on my 12-week coaching program. This is my self-love, self-care Valentine’s Day gift to you. If you sign up before 12:00pm midnight on February 14^th, you will get $500 off of my current coaching package. To do this you just need to schedule a consultation before February 14^th, sign up for coaching and you’re set.

To sign up for a consultation you can do this by going to my website and scheduling it yourself. You can email me at lisa@attheAutismcoach.com. Or you can message me on Facebook or Instagram like a few of you have already. Whatever it is you want to get on my schedule before February 14^th, so that you can get this discount.

Okay, onto today’s topic, the big mistake. Focusing on our kids to the exclusion of ourselves is a mistake or more appropriately a misunderstanding. Because we believe that we need to forego ourselves so that we can support our kids. And this is really backwards and I’ll just be frank with you, this is not a lesson that I learned on my first day of the job as an Autism parent, it took years. But here’s why it’s a mistake, we are the vehicle for our children’s wellbeing. We are their providers, their advocates and their voices literally and figuratively.

We are and I have said this so many times, our children’s greatest resource. No doctor, therapist, medication or program is more important to their long-term prognosis than us. That is why ignoring ourselves for that magical day when we believe, my kid is okay, is not a strategy. Because even when that day comes when you let yourself believe that your child is okay, whatever means to you as they are, chances are you won’t be able to enjoy it or even notice it because you are so burnt out.

So why do we do this? Two reasons I think, love and fear. We love our children so much we want the best for them and we are afraid for them. We are afraid for their futures and we’re afraid for ourselves. So then what do we do in this constant stress and fear response? Well something, anything, everything we possibly can think of to keep on doing and going for our kids so that we can avoid our own terror. We tell ourselves if we do enough, if we do the right things then they will be okay and I’ll be okay too.

And let me just tell you, I get it, I do it. I am always working on something or other for my son but I no longer do this at the exclusion of my own needs most of the time. I have learned to build in respite for myself because, in my ever-long quest to make sure he is okay, I have not been okay on more occasions than I can remember. Yes, I was still highly functioning on the outside but inside I was crumbling. And chances are if you are operating under the premise, I’ll be okay when my kid is okay, you’re not okay either. No judgment here really, I get it.

Just the opposite, how about some recognition for all of your extraordinary efforts, for everything you are doing and some self-love and compassion? How might your day be different if you turn just 5 or 10% of your attention to yourself? I mean really, if you turn just 5 or 10 minutes of your attention to yourself, how might you show up differently for your child if you weren’t telling yourself that your child and their diagnosis is the reason you can’t take care of yourself?

So that is your challenge for this week, this episode is short and sweet for a reason. I would rather you take the time to brainstorm some things that you can do, some non-negotiables that are focused only on you, your happiness, your well-being and your wellness. It can be as simple as drinking water, taking deep breaths, a long hot shower, taking a walk, saying no to someone, setting a boundary. Whatever it is it really doesn’t matter, it just matters that you do something because you matter.

Alright, that is it for this week. Again, if you haven’t already, sign up for my free course. I teach you some really valuable concepts in there that will help you to do more things to support yourself and to better understand how to regulate yourself and how to take care of yourself when you feel yourself getting escalated no matter what the situation is. Okay, talk next week.

Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach. If you want more information or the show notes and resources from the podcast, visit theAutismmomcoach.com. See you next week.