From the moment my son was diagnosed withautism, Ive approached autism like the mantra of the game show Survivor: Outwit,Outrun, Outlast. I researched everytherapy, fought everyschool battle, and pushed through every setback, believing that if I just kept going, I could find a solution. But this week, theres one task I cant bring myself to dofilling out the SSI application for my child with autism, who will soon be turning18 years old.
Its not difficult. As anattorney, filling out complex paperwork is part of my daily routine. And as anautism mom, Ive filled out countless intake forms and applications seeking services for my son.
ThisSSI application for my child with autismshould take five minutes.
Yet, its still sitting there, untouched. Why?
Because its not just paperwork.
Its What the SSI Application for My Son with Autism Represents
Its the moment Ive tried to outwit since his diagnosis, switching therapists, schools, and treatments, hoping for a breakthrough.
Its the reality Ive tried to outlast, juggling appointments and routines, hoping persistence would help.
Its the fear Ive tried to outrun by staying busy and doing more.
Its not just paperworkIts What It Represents
Its the form that says: He wont catch up.
That adulthood will not be typical.
That support will be lifelong.
Its the grief Ive kept at bay with my Survivor strategy.
Reality Check: Facing the Truth
The truth is,autismand itsco-morbiditiesare not things you canoutwit,outrun, oroutlast. They are not puzzles to solve. They are not phases to power through. They arelifelong companionsthat require you to face things youd rather avoid.
This is where the push through strategy stops working. And that’s where I am now: staring at the SSI form for my child with autism, feeling everything it brings up, yet still not filling it out.
If youve ever sat staring at a simple task and feltcompletely undoneby it, youre not alone. Sometimes, its not the task itselfits everything it represents. And sometimes, the hardest part is just sitting with those emotions.
