If you’ve ever found yourself walking the internet streets at two in the morning searching for the one therapy, diet, or story that might finally unlock things for your child, this episode is for you. In this installment of The Autism Mom Coach and week three of the Stress Less Challenge, Lisa takes on the favorite pastime of autism moms everywhere: googling autism. She unpacks why our brains crave the certainty that endless research promises but never delivers, how constant searching quietly erodes your confidence and your follow-through on decisions you’ve already made, and why studying your own child is a far better guide than anything you’ll find online.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why the pull to constantly research autism comes from a craving for certainty, and how endless googling tends to fuel second-guessing, anxiety, and even depression rather than relief.
- How chronic researching undermines your follow-through, since doubting a decision you’ve already made changes how seriously you prioritize and execute it.
- A simple set of questions to ask before you open a search—what am I actually looking for, what do I already know, and how is this making me feel—so you can take in less and trust your own gut more.
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Transcript:
You’re listening to episode 138 of The Autism Mom Coach, Stop Googling Autism. Welcome to the Autism Mom Coach podcast. I am your host, Lisa Candara. I am a lawyer, a life coach, and most importantly, I am the full-time single mother of a teenager with autism. In this podcast, I am going to share with you the tools and strategies you need so you can fight like hell for your child without burning out.
Let’s get to it
Hello everyone and welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you are here and I hope you are doing well This is week three of the Stress Less Challenge, and for this week, we’re talking about the favorite pastime of all autism moms, googling autism. I picked googling autism as a topic for this challenge because of the frequency in which this comes up when I’m coaching my clients.
It comes up in a variety of ways. There are some moms who come to the calls, and they’re exhausted because they’ve been staying up late, and when I ask them what they do when they’re staying up late, it is usually researching autism. Now, the interesting thing here is when I ask them what they’re researching, most of the times it’s not a targeted, specific search.
It’s very general. They just are looking for information, anything that they can find, new therapies, inspirational stories. They’re just out walking the internet streets looking for any information they can find about autism. And of course, this can take you from one rabbit hole to another pretty quickly, and before you know it, it’s two in the morning.
With some clients, it comes up in terms of the decisions that they’ve already made about therapies that their children will do or not do and the type of schooling they’re having. They’ve made a choice, but then they go onto Google, and they’re finding all of the reasons that their choice might not be the best choice or all of the possibilities of why another choice could be better, and this lands them in this perpetual state of second-guessing themselves and not being sure if they’re doing the right thing.
And then finally, this comes up with clients when we are doing work about time management. The clients I work with are very busy with their responsibilities for their families, their child. Some are caring for aging parents. Some are single parents. So with these clients, we’re taking a really hard look at their calendar to find time for them, and it’s so interesting ’cause with several of my clients, they do have a blocks of time during the day or even in the evening after their child goes to bed, and they tell me that this is the time that they spend googling autism.
And never have I heard from any of these clients that googling autism is an uplifting thing that they do. It’s something that they do because they think that they have to. They’re afraid of what they don’t know, and they’re always looking for more answers about how they could help their children more.
But none of my clients have ever come to me feeling refreshed after googling autism. It’s a job, and it can wear and tear on our confidence. And what I see is that googling autism and the constantly being in the research of autism, especially when it’s not targeted, it leads to a lot of second-guessing, a lot of anxiety, and sometimes even depression.
That’s why I wanna talk about googling autism, so you can become more aware of why you’re doing it, how it’s impacting you, and you can make some more mindful decisions about how much information you’re taking in and the type of information you’re taking in and whether or not more is better. Because what I have found in a lot of cases, more is not better.
More is just more, and that can be confusing. So let’s talk about this more specifically when it comes to autism. Why are we always googling autism? Why are we always researching? I think it really comes down to certainty. Our human brains love certainty. They crave certainty. They want certainty, and autism is filled with uncertainty.
So there is that idea of like maybe there’s just something else that I’m not doing. Maybe there’s something more. Maybe I haven’t found the right thing yet, that magic pill or combination of things that’s going to open things up for my child and change things. I think that’s a really natural thing to get into, and guess what?
When you get on Google, you’re going to start seeing these things. There are people who believe very strongly that certain diets, certain types of education, certain types of therapies will make or break a child with autism. And of course, as parents, whenever we see our children struggling, we are going to use the tools at our disposal to try to find any way that we can help them, and in this way, being able to google, having information at the tip of our fingers is such an amazing resource for us, and this resource is something we can also use against us.
Again, more is not always better One of the things that I see with my clients who are constantly googling autism is it really undermines their own confidence. Instead of feeling more in control and more informed, constantly researching actually does the opposite because what I see is my clients start to second-guess themselves and the decisions that they’ve already made.
For example, I have a client who does play therapy for her child because when she was researching autism therapies, there was so much negative information out there about ABA, and so she wanted to steer clear of it because she didn’t wanna do, quote-unquote, the wrong thing, so she picked play therapy. And so now fast-forward six months, her child’s not making the progress that she wanted or expected in the timeframe that she was hoping, so she’s second-guessing herself and she goes to Google.
And of course, with Google, you could find basically anything that you’re looking for. If you wanna find that a therapy is terrible, you’ll find it. If you wanna find that it’s a lifesaver, you can find that, too. And so what she’s doing in this research is she’s ping-ponging between these two things. So that’s not only having an impact on her and her confidence, it actually has an impact on the execution of the decision that she made.
I want you to think about this. If you decide that you’re going to do play therapy or ABA, and the entire time after you’ve made that decision you’re wondering if you made the right decision, how does that impact how you show up? If you miss a day, do you think it’s a big deal? Probably not. If you don’t think it’s going to work or you don’t think it’s as good as something else, it’s going to impact whether and how you prioritize it and how seriously you take it, and all of that comes out in the execution of it and the impact that it has on your child.
So back in the day, 15 years ago when my son was diagnosed, Google was a thing, but it was not the powerhouse of information that it is now. And the information about autism was really, as far as I remember, e- there were a couple of websites here and there for different behavioral therapy programs, and there was Autism Speaks I don’t recall that there were the amount of groups out there or the amount of talk and the amount of stories and amount of research.
Maybe it was there, but I wasn’t finding it. And so when I was making my decision about my son, I was really relying on face-to-face conversations with humans who were coming to my house and pitching different things. I remember being presented with RDI as an option and ABA therapy. And I remember after doing the entire introduction to RDI and understanding what it would encompass, knowing pretty quickly that that just was not going to happen for my family.
It wouldn’t have worked. I didn’t think it was a fit for us for a number of reasons, but I just didn’t see that the execution would have happened because it was a pretty substantial lift, and at the time, my ex-husband and I were having very different ideas about what we should do. And so because both of us weren’t fully on board, it was not going to work.
So we weren’t doing RDI, never ever. That was fantastic because it was like, okay, that we put aside. We’re not going down that road. This is the road that we’re going down. We’re going to do ABA. We’re going to go all in, my focus, just straight ahead, go all in on ABA, and of course, we’ll reevaluate. But while we’re going all in on ABA, we’re not going to be wondering whether or not we should be doing RDI and ABA or if we made the right decision because ABA was hard enough.
I mean, really, anything at that age with, with kids is really difficult. And so to have that added burden of second-guessing yourself the whole time just makes it harder And I think that this is so easy these days when folks are in and out of autism groups. I see it so much with my clients. This ability to be able to connect with so many different people, while it’s so wonderful in ways, it also presents you with so many different options and things that other people are doing, and it’s really natural to wonder, “Am I doing the right thing?
Would that work better?” Because as autism parents, it’s most likely that no matter what you try, no matter what you are doing, you are struggling. Because that struggle comes with a lot of pain and sometimes not a lot of visible results, it’s so natural that of course we would start to wonder, “Is this working?”
And then we go to the Google, and the Google tells us all of the things, all the other things that might be out there, and maybe that feels a little bit better. Maybe you get a little bit of a dopamine hit from that. Maybe you feel a little bit excited there’s something else that you can try. But I promise you, no matter what it is, it’s going to be hard.
And I want you to know that, that just because it’s hard, just because you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or you picked the wrong horse. It just means this stuff is hard. Now, of course, that’s not to say that you never reevaluate and you never course correct. Of course, 100%, that will happen.
But I think it could happen way too quickly when we try something, we’re not seeing the results that we want, and then we’re going onto Google and seeing that other people in circumstances that we don’t truly understand because we’re not in their shoes are having the results that we want, so we think, “Oh, no, I have to do something else.”
So in that respect, more information all of the time Can really impact our confidence and our resolve in what we’ve already chosen. The final thing about Googling autism is that it’s the Wild West out there on the internet streets. Sources of information are not created equally. There’s a lot of stuff out there that will scare the crap out of you unnecessarily, cause you to question everything about yourself, your child, and your parenting.
So you really need to be mindful when you are Googling and researching autism, the types and the sources of information that you’re even willing to look at. I think about this in the context of due diligence as an attorney. When I’m researching a particular topic, there are certain sources of information that I will rely on and certain sources that I would never even look at.
I think as autism parents, it’s really important for you to decide that for yourself. For example, when I was researching out-of-district placements for my son, I was curious to see what other parents had to say and what their experiences were. And I will tell you, for every school I ever asked about, there were parents that had amazing experiences and parents that told me to run the other way.
I’ve had this experience myself with schools, with doctors, with medications, where they’ve been a lifesaver for me, and I’ve seen online that other people have had the worst experiences. And so is more information better? I don’t think so. I think ultimately, we need to trust ourselves, trust our gut to make decisions for our children, and also, of course, trust ourselves to monitor the execution of those decisions and reevaluate and course-correct if necessary.
But in order to make those decisions, I don’t think that more and more and more information is necessary, especially when you’re getting it from people who have very specific circumstances just like you do, and you can’t compare apples to oranges. But when you are doing this and you’re gathering conflicting information from all these different sources, it makes it really difficult for you to make a decision and then feel confident in the decision that you’ve made.
So that’s why this week I want to challenge you. Before you get on Google to research autism, ask yourself, “What is it that I am looking for?” And answer that question. Am I looking for reassurance that I’ve made the right decision? Am I looking to see that I’m not the only one that’s having this experience?
What is it that you are looking for? So you will know it when you find it, and once you find it, you can then exit instead of staying on for hours and hours. Next, though, before you even Google, ask yourself, “What do I already know about this? What are the chances that I am going to find out something new or different from the last time that I Googled this?”
And then finally, be really mindful of how you are feeling when you are researching. Is this something that is helpful to you and you’re finding information that you’re able to use in implementing your real life in a useful way, or is this just more and more and more information? Because again, I really don’t believe that more is better.
I think that more can just overwhelm us, and truly, we have so many things that we’re responsible for in our day-to-day lives. We hold a very heavy emotional weight when it comes to parenting our children, advocating for our children, and doing as much as we can to ensure their best outcomes. I truly believe that anything that we do that adds weight, that adds unnecessary stress is something that can go, is something that we should limit.
But in order to do that, you need to become mindful of it. So that is the challenge for this week, paying attention to yourself when you are Googling autism, why you are doing it, what you are hoping to find, and then go inward. What do you already know? I am positive that you all know more about autism than most professionals that you will ever come in contact with during your journey as an autism parent.
So remember that and practice the skill of trusting that you already know what you need to know and trusting your gut. Because ultimately, you can research until you’re blue in the face, but when you are going onto Google to research, you’re researching about other people’s experiences with their child’s autism, which might bear some similarities to yours, but truly, your child is unique.
So if you want to research autism, if you want to know more about autism, study your child. They are your guide. They are the source of most of the information that you will ever need to know about autism because what you are experiencing is real and true for you, no matter whether you can corroborate it on Google or not.
So that is all for this week. I hope you all have a wonderful week with less stress. I will talk to you soon.
Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach. If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me. Podcasts are great, but the ahas are fleeting. Real change comes from application and implementation, and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program.
To schedule your consultation, go to my website, theautismmomcoach.com/work-with-me, and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism
