Every autism parent knows the feeling of being on display in public: your child is louder than everyone else, running around the table, stimming, or melting down, and suddenly all eyes are on you. In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa reframes that vulnerable, exposed feeling as a sign you are doing something right. Taking your child out into the community, beyond their comfort zone and sometimes yours, is exactly how they build tolerance and resilience. Drawing on her own experiences and her mother’s advice about her autistic sister, Lisa offers a mindset shift and concrete in-the-moment steps for handling the spotlight with confidence.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why feeling like you are on display usually means you are being brave, since taking your child into public spaces is how they build the skill of tolerating unfamiliar and unpredictable situations.
- Why your child has every right to be in public and take up space, and how you, as the calm and competent adult, set the tone for how everyone around you responds.
- Five practical steps for the moment all eyes are on you: pause and breathe, focus only on your child, keep a go-to response ready, look for friendly faces, and educate others if and when you choose to.
Resources mentioned:
Related episodes:
The Fear of What’s Next: Anticipatory Anxiety as Your Child Approaches Adulthood (Ep #176)
Tantrums vs. Meltdowns: Why the Difference Matters (Ep #173)
What Is an Expert? Why You Know More About Your Child Than You Think (Ep #169)
Listen Here
Transcript
You are listening to episode 141 of The Autism Mom Coach, Being on Display. Welcome to the Autism Mom Coach podcast. I am your host, Lisa Candara. I am a lawyer, a life coach, and most importantly, I am the full-time single mother of a teenager with autism. In this podcast, I am going to share with you the tools and strategies you need so you can fight like hell for your child without burning out.
Let’s get to it.
Hello everyone, and welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you are here, and I hope you’re doing well. So before we get to today’s topic, I want to announce a free upcoming training I’m going to be doing on social stories. A lot of what I do with my clients is I help prepare them for stressful moments. When they’re out in public with their child, when their child melts down, I help my clients themselves be prepared emotionally, mentally, and physically so that they can support their children through this.
But of course, part of being prepared is preparing our children for these transitions, giving them an expectation of what they can expect ahead of time. And one of the most powerful ways that we can do this for our children are through relatable stories. You’ve probably heard the term social stories.
Essentially what it is is a story that you use to prepare your child for something, whether it’s a transition, a new experience like going to the dentist, meeting new people, sleeping at Grandma’s. By creating the story, you give them a tangible understanding of what to expect ahead of time, and this can help build anticipation in a good way for them and also reduce their stress.
So back in the day when Ben was diagnosed, I heard about social stories, and there were a couple of books on them, and the BCBAs gave me a couple of examples, and they were really so vanilla and so boring and really weren’t compelling at all or relatable to my guy. So what I did is I used the framework of what they were essentially doing in the social story, which is giving him the who, what, when, where, and how, and expectation of what would happen on a given day.
Say we were going to a field trip or going to a school outing. What I did is I took that structure, but I inserted things that Ben found interesting. So this would be things like his favorite characters and make funny stories about Thomas the Train, Sir Topham Hatt, some sort of issue they were having, whatever, and I would make it funny and relatable to him, and that was just really a helpful tool that I would use.
I also used other kids that my son knew, maybe some kids who were a little bit older or kids in the neighborhood. Anything that made it relatable and compelling to him is what I did, and I did this for years My son was eight or nine years old, and we were having some battles over screen times, specifically with the Nintendo Switch.
I remember using the characters of Bowser and Bowser Junior to demonstrate limits around screen time, and I made it really funny, and he found that hilarious. And so that was a really useful tool for us. These things do take time, and they take some creative energy, and we don’t always have that. But now we have ChatGPT, and with ChatGPT, you can create compelling social stories in seconds, and this is what I want to teach you in this upcoming training.
I wanna teach you a method for using ChatGPT to create social stories that are relatable to your child and show you how you can revise them and tailor them to your kiddo so that you can quickly make a story that is compelling and effective and memorable for your child, and you can use it whenever you like.
So in order to join this training, you will need to register for the webinar, which you can do right now by going to the show notes. During the webinar, I’m going to teach you how to use ChatGPT to create these social stories. I’m going to share with you some of my tips about making effective social stories, and we’re gonna run through a couple of examples live, and maybe that example will be yours.
So come to this training with ideas about things that you want to address. Maybe it’s Thanksgiving dinner, maybe it’s holiday lights. And also be thinking about what does your child find interesting or funny? Is it particular characters like Paw Patrol or characters like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker?
Whatever it is, you can use this to create a compelling social story for your kiddo to help them with their transitions. All right, so again, to register for this webinar, just go to the show notes, click the link, fill in your information, and you will be on the list. Okay, so now on to today’s topic, being on display So no matter how effective a social story could be in all of your strategies, at some point or another, every autism parent has had the experience in public of feeling like being on display.
Maybe your child’s being louder than everybody else. Maybe they’re the one running around the birthday table. Maybe they’re the one that can’t sit still at the restaurant. Maybe they’re the one flapping or stimming or whatever they’re doing, they’re doing something that is causing eyes to be on you, and this is what I mean by being on display.
And let’s face it, it’s really awkward. Nobody likes the feeling of other people looking at them, especially when they’re having a difficult time with their child. And for most of us as autism parents, this isn’t something that happens once in a while. It can be pretty common depending on the things that you’re doing with your child.
Nobody likes the feeling of being on display, but it happens because the way our children behave sometimes does not match the expectations of what people expect to see. I’ve seen this a lot with my son, especially as he’s gotten older, and he would get very upset about things and have an outburst, and we would have eyes on us, and those eyes were really saying, “Are you kidding?
He’s a little bit too old for that.” And that feels really shitty because I know what’s happening with him. I know that he has been holding it together, and then there’s like this thing that happens and he can’t deal with it anymore, and he might just be louder than usual or be stomping. But when other people are looking at you, it feels like you’re naked.
It feels like everything that you want to hold private is now on display for other people to judge, to talk about, to think about, and it could be enough to make you not wanna go out sometimes. That feeling of being on stage and your life being laid bare for other people to watch. That’s what it can feel like.
So of course, before most of us go out in public or do new things, there’s a lot of anticipatory anxiety. We’ve done so much to prepare. We do as much as we possibly can, but we always know that there’s that possibility that the line’s gonna be longer than we expected, something unexpected is going to happen, and our child is going to have a reaction that is going to cause attention to be on us.
It’s not even necessarily that they’re having a bad reaction. It just could be a loud reaction. It could be a scenic reaction. But it’s something that causes eyes to be on us. And so this, again, can lead to a lot of anticipatory anxiety before we even go out, and which when you’re already stressed about the idea that this could happen, it really makes it difficult to handle it when it does because by that point, you’re maxed out and you’re already feeling so defeated So the reason I’m, uh, talking about this topic now is because in the past couple of weeks, I’ve coached a few of my clients on it.
Whether it is being at the store, the Halloween parade at school, or going to the dentist office, they’ve all had experiences of feeling like they were on display. In each
of those experiences,
my clients have felt caught between trying to help and protect their child and also wanting to either explain to the strangers what is happening or conversely tell them off for staring. And so when this becomes a regular part of just going out with your child, of course, it’s really stressful, and it’s going to put you in a defensive position And here’s the thing that I wanna say about this because I have done this so many times.
I’m a full-time single mom, so my son went with me everywhere all of the time. I would take him everywhere from the stores and to shopping and to errands to my job on the days where he either was off from school and I couldn’t get a sitter or on the weekends when I had to go in and do things. He was always with me, and guess what?
He made some scenes. He caused some attention at some point. I do know how mortifying this can feel at times. But still, with that, I want to tell you, if you feel like you are on display or on stage, that means you are doing something right. You are taking your child with autism out into the wild, out into the community, possibly beyond their comfort zone and maybe even beyond yours, and this is so important.
One of the things that my mom told me repeatedly about my sister when we were growing up, she was PDD-NOS, which is now under the autism spectrum, and she was clearly autistic. She eloped all the time. We thought it was running away, but we didn’t have this word autism. We didn’t know what it was, and she acted out a lot.
She caused disruptions. She was the, quote-unquote, “bad kid” and my parents really pulled back from taking her places because they just didn’t want that attention. They didn’t want the looks. They didn’t want the comments from the relatives. They didn’t want the comments about their parenting, so they pulled back from taking her out.
And this is one thing that my mom stressed to me when my son was diagnosed. She said, “Don’t do that because the more you take him out, the more you expose him, the better he will be at tolerating things and adjusting to things.” And so I took that advice, and I encourage you to take that advice too because your child isn’t going to learn any other way than actually having the experience.
And I understand how challenging this could be for you, but this is part of the role as autism parents. This is not an easy job, and part of our job is pushing beyond the comfort zones, and sometimes that’s going to mean pushing beyond the comfort zones of people in society. And again, I think that’s part of our job too.
Autism and awareness and acceptance starts with us. Our children have every right to be in public, to take up space, and they even get to be loud. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not talking about an over-the-top, you know, dangerous or obnoxious way, but for real, go out in public and neurotypical people take up space.
They’re loud, and sometimes they’re a little obnoxious Our children have every right to be out in public. They have every right to take up space, and if they struggle in the way that they do because they’re autistic, that is okay. I understand it can be embarrassing. I understand it can feel vulnerable, but there is work that you can do for yourself to strengthen your resolve and to feel more confident when you go out with your child so that when these things do happen, you are the example of what it looks like to accept and to be aware of autism.
You are showing others how it’s done because you are the expert on your child. If you are center stage, let people know what’s happening. It is never your job to educate the general public, but you could say something. I had a client this week who told me their son was doing something or other at a basketball court, and the other children were sort of not understanding him and thinking he was weird.
And they said something to her and she said, “Well, do you know what autism is? He’s autistic.” And all of a sudden these kids were like, “Oh, okay.” And they just, uh, they folded him into the group, and they were playing with him. Some people just need understanding and context, and they’re not gonna get it if we’re not telling them, if we’re not letting them know what’s happening.
And so if you are on display, it also doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. I think that so many times when people are looking at us in public is not necessarily for a bad thing. I know if I hear a kid screaming in Target, I’m gonna look because of course you’re going to look, but that doesn’t mean I’m judging.
And in fact, I think that there are gonna be people in the crowd because you are going to be one of the people in the crowd at some point for some kid who are going to be helpful, who are going to be empathetic. And so I want you to think about that. Not everybody who is out and about and looking at you means any harm.
It could be curious. They could be confused. They could be a lot of things, but no matter what they are, it doesn’t matter. Your child has the right to be in public, and if they are struggling in public and that causes other people to look, then that is part of what this process looks like. This ability to practice, this ability to have these experiences over and over and to create the muscle of being able to tolerate, it’s like the ramp for somebody with a wheelchair.
Our children’s disability is different. It looks different. It sounds different. But they still have every right to be in public and to take up space. If that feels like being on display and being on stage- I want you to think about why that is worth it. I want you to think about how brave you are being for doing this with your child.
I want you to focus on you and focus on your child and focus on what they need. And the more you do this, the more you will become almost oblivious to the other people around you because your focus is on your child and on supporting them in being able to participate in the community All right, so practical steps in the moment.
Your kid is having a tantrum or they’re being extra loud and all eyes are on you, what to do? Pause. If there is no danger going on, if everybody is safe, pause, take a deep breath. I know how simple this sounds, but truly taking a couple of deep breaths can help you center yourself, clear your mind, and refocus on your child.
Two, focus on your child. This makes things a lot easier. I was in a situation with Ben not too long ago. We were at the ski mount, and we were supposed to be picking up his skis from the ski shop so he could ski that day. We were ready. He had his boots on, and I go, I give the ticket. I ask for the skis.
They can’t find the skis. And the woman says to Ben jokingly, but you know, he didn’t get the joke. She said, “Well, I guess you can’t ski today.” And so I can’t even explain to you, like, why this was such a problem. He’d been anticipating this for a couple of weeks. It was during COVID time. It was hard to get tickets.
It was a whole big thing. And this woman says to him after we spent an hour getting there, an hour getting ready, waiting, all of this, “I guess you can’t ski today.” Ben yelled, and he yelled loud. And this is a 15-year-old who was yelling, and everybody starts to look at him, and my eyes are just darting around, and I feel that paralysis in my body and not knowing what to do and going blank.
And the thing that saved me is just redirecting, looking at him, and only him, and focusing on him. “Hey, bud, she was just joking. I know it wasn’t funny. We’re going to get your skis.” Just calming myself down to focus on him. “What do you need right now? Do you want to take a break? Do you want to get some lunch?”
Just needing to get him out of that space because what she said was very startling and very jarring to him. And also, like, how do you explain to people around you that your 15-year-old is having a fit for something like this? It wouldn’t make sense to anybody. But it did make sense to me, and so again, redirecting your focus to your kiddo.
Number three, this is optional, but you can have a go-to response depending on the situation. If you’re in a situation where someone says inappropriate or judgmental or people are just confused, sometimes it can be handy to just have a go-to response. My son really struggles with transitions. He’s having sensory overload.
You don’t have to go out and tell everybody your kid is autistic, although you sometimes might want to share that depending on the situation Again, it’s not really your job to educate people, but at the same time, I don’t see anything wrong with it. And honestly, again, context. People are in their own world thinking about their own stuff.
They’re not going through a catalog of things and thinking about what might be going on with your child. They’re just seeing the behavior and making a snap judgment. And guess what? We have some power there to influence and educate, and maybe sometimes we will Number four, look for friendly faces. We’re always assuming that all attention or all reactions are negative, but that’s not necessarily true, and there will be supportive people in some crowds, and sometimes you get to find them and rely on them.
Number five, again, educate if you like. And again, this is always optional, but educate if you like. And so for example, I’ve had this conversation in public with strangers with my son’s OCD and him asking the same question over and over again. So I’ve actually instructed strangers, “Please just answer him once,” and I’ll say, “His OCD wants you to answer him over and over again, but please just answer him once.”
I have done things like that just to let people know what’s going on. Again, you are under no obligation to provide any of your personal information to anybody, but depending on the situation, you might feel it’s appropriate or even helpful. All right. That is it for today’s episode of the podcast. Being on display, being on stage when you’re out in public with your child can feel very vulnerable and very isolating.
I understand that, and this is something I can help you with. I help my clients with it all the time, helping you build up your confidence as the expert on your child to navigate these situations without apologizing for autism or feeling afraid of what other people think of you. Because you are the expert on this child, you are helping them navigate this world.
You are the ramp. You are the access point for them. And as part of this job, we might be on display, we might be on stage, and other people might have thoughts about us or our parenting, but when we build up that resilience in ourselves, we can handle it. You can handle this. You can be on display. And when you are on display, I want you to remind yourself the reason you are on display is because you are being brave.
You are taking your child out of the four walls of your house for whatever reason, and you are in an environment that might be uncomfortable, unpredictable, whatever for them, and you are exposing them to these situations. That is a life skill, and that is what you are doing. Even though it can be scary, I want you to focus on the importance of what you’re doing and why that makes you a brave mom.
And then finally, remember, you are the first example of what awareness and acceptance looks like. If your child is breaking down in public or having a hard time, the way you respond to your child sets the tone for everyone else. If you’re freaking out and thinking it’s crazy and wild, then everybody else will too.
But if you take in the scene, assess what’s going on, focus on your child, on what they need and what the next right thing is to do, you are showing everybody else how it is done I want to share just one more example of what this looks like because I’ve been in a restaurant with someone who had a seizure, and the people at the table with this person were very familiar with the person and the seizures.
And as soon as it happened, they stood up and they gave directions to the people around them. “Everybody stand back. We have this.” They got down on the ground. They helped the person to the ground. They held his head in place, and they waited for it to stop, and it calmed everybody else down. Now imagine that seizure had started and the people at the table with this person had started freaking out.
Well, everybody else probably would have freaked out, too, and I think it’s the same with our children. Be the example of what it looks like to calmly and competently handle a situation where your child is being loud or drawing attention to themselves like it’s nothing, like it’s just part of what it’s like to have a child with autism and take them into environments that are unfamiliar or unpredictable or unpreferred because this is part of what we do all of the time, and it’s a necessary part of teaching our children the skills and the resilience to be in the community and to tolerate things that they might not want to tolerate.
All right. That is it for this week’s episode of the podcast. I hope that you found this helpful, and I will talk to you next week Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach. If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me.
Podcasts are great, but the ahas are fleeting. Real change comes from application and implementation, and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program. To schedule your consultation, go to my website, theautismmomcoach.com, work with me, and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism
