What does it actually take to be your autistic child’s safe person—especially in the seasons when you’re barely keeping yourself afloat? In this episode of The Autism Mom Coach, Lisa shares a conversation she had on Dr. Taylor Day’s podcast, Evolve, where the two dig into why parent regulation has to come first, how to lead as the “CEO” of your child’s care team, and what shifted for Lisa during the hardest years of her son’s aggression and OCD. It’s a candid look at co-regulation, self-trust, and learning to separate what’s happening from the story you’re telling yourself about it.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why your own regulation is the foundation of co-regulation, and how learning to pause and create space—rather than rushing to fix every hard moment—can change the dynamic between you and your child.
- How to step into the role of “CEO” of your child’s care: staying the steady thread through a changing team of providers, trusting your gut as the subject-matter expert on your kid, and partnering with professionals without handing over your authority.
- How the psychological meaning of acceptance differs from “giving up,” and why staying in your own lane—supporting your child’s self-advocacy instead of doing everything for them—serves you both.
About the guest: Dr. Taylor Day is a licensed child psychologist, parent coach, and autism sibling who specializes in neurodivergent-affirming care. She is the founder and CEO of Dr. Tay Concierge Clinical Care, where she developed the “whole family approach,” and the host of the Evolve podcast, on which this conversation originally aired.
Resources mentioned:
Related episodes:
- Accommodation vs. Over-Accommodation: Knowing the Line with Dr. Taylor Day (Ep #193)
- The Power of Co-Regulation for Autism Moms (Ep #185)
- Autism Changes You, Part Two: The Hidden Cost of Caregiver Stress and Burnout (Ep #195)
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TRANSCRIPT
You are listening to episode 192 of The Autism Mom Coach Being your child’s safe person with Dr. Taylor Daye. You can still be the safe person, but part of staying in your own lane is also supporting them in building the skills and the proof of concept that they can handle things on their own or with minimal support, and you’re still there, but you’re not doing it for them.
Welcome to the Autism Mom Coach Podcast. I am your host, Lisa Candara. I am a lawyer, a life coach, and most importantly, I am the full-time single mother of a teenager with autism. In this podcast, I am going to share with you the tools and strategies you need so you can fight like hell for your child without burning out.
Let’s get to it. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the podcast. I am so glad you’re here, and I hope you’re doing well. In this week’s episode of the podcast, I am sharing with you a conversation I had with Dr. Taylor Daye on her podcast, EVOLVE. For those of you who don’t know, Dr. Taye, as she is called, is a licensed child psychologist, a parent coach who specializes in neurodivergent affirming care, and an autism sibling.
In this conversation, Dr. Taye and I dive deep into what it means to be your child’s safe person, why parent regulation comes first, and how to lead as the CEO of your household, especially when things feel urgent, intense, and overwhelming. I hope you enjoy our conversation and stay tuned for next week when you’ll hear my interview of Dr.
Taye on this podcast.
Hey, y’all. We’re back for another episode today. And one of the things y’all know that I am so passionate about talking about is making sure that parents are supported in this journey. Because so often, even before I hit record with my guest today, we were talking about how many resources are actually created for autistic children, but we don’t think about the family system around them and supporting them.
And I actually got the opportunity to connect with Lisa Kindera. She is a single mom, attorney, ADHDer, and autism mom coach. She has an 18-year-old autistic son, and she comes both from that lived experience of parenting, but also empowering other parents, particularly learning how to regulate. Because as a parent of an autistic child, you are your child’s often primary co-regulator.
And so that’s what we’re gonna focus a lot on this episode today, is this idea of being your child’s safe person and how to support yourself in this journey and make sure that you’re staying regulated in order to be able to co-regulate with your autistic child, and learning how to navigate it, especially when you’re in seasons of hard, where things feel incredibly challenging.
And how do you be someone else’s safe person when you’re even maybe struggling to keep yourself afloat at times? And so I’m so excited to welcome Lisa to the podcast so we can have this conversation today. Thank you so much for having me. I’m happy to be here with you. Yeah. So tell us a little bit about how you ended up in this realm of coaching other moms of autistic kids, and where some of your passion, where that comes from I know is, is being a parent yourself.
But speak on that a little bit. Sure. It comes out of two places. One was necessity, and the other was I always knew that I wanted to do something to support people with autism in some way, shape, or form. And I concluded that the best way that I could do that was by supporting the parents, because I don’t know your kid, I don’t know what’s right for your kid, I don’t really particularly know how to help your kid, but you do.
And so I really think that the most powerful way to support many autistic children is to support their parents, and specifically the moms, because the moms, when we’re talking about the often safe person, it’s most usually the mom. It is, absolutely. And I’ve had a couple episodes with, like, couples therapists on the podcast- Mm
and we talk about this a lot of times, and it does tend to be the mom who takes on more of the mental load and also more of the action as well, and problem and planning, and, or problem-solving and planning and all of that. And yeah, I do think it does tend to be the moms in all of this. As a mom yourself, will you share a little bit about- Can, you know what, can I just add something to that?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I agree, but something I find really interesting is I have clients whose husbands are trying so hard to intervene. I’ve even had husbands who have filled out the application to coach with me for their wife, and saying, “I want to take on a bigger role, but my child wants my wife.”
Right. And so even, so even where there are other folks in the house who are trying to take on that active role, it’s not just that the mom is doing a lot, may- maybe that we’re more apt to do more, is that we are being looked to by the child, and so that bec- can become really challenging. Absolutely. And it’s interesting, I actually do have a couple families where the dad is the pro- primary co-regulator.
Mm. And so it’s not always in that direction. Mm. It tends to lean in that direction overall. But I think it’s, in general, in any dynamic where you have one parent who is the primary co-regulator, it is hard, because for the other parent to be able to step in and support, because they’re trying their best, but sometimes it isn’t what the child needs in that moment.
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Absolutely. And then I have families similar to yourself as well who are single parents who are navigating this all. So tell me a little bit about your family’s story in all of this, if you don’t mind sharing. Like, when did your son get diagnosed, and what has this journey been like for the both of you?
Yeah. So my son got diagnosed at the age of two, and the story that so many parents are familiar with is I was concerned that he wasn’t talking, not so much because he wasn’t talking, but because he had lost words, and then more than that, he was banging his head against the wall out of frustration bec- because of he wanting to communicate.
And I really truly just thought this was, like, a run-of-the-mill speech delay, and we went through the process of the initial evaluations, red flags for autism. We eventually got him diagnosed officially through a hospital with autism, and then we started the early intervention cycle and really just went from there.
Yeah. Which you said he’s 18 now, so back then, that it still is very early, but it was even earlier back then. It’s so crazy because my sister is autistic. Now, growing up, her diagnosis was PDD-NOS, which is now under the autism umbrella, and when my son was diagnosed, my mom was marveling at how far things had come and how much more there was.
And now, looking back at what my clients have access to, it was minimal back there. Google was a thing, but the level of resources was not the same. I was going in person to events to learn things. There just wasn’t this river of different resources. And in some ways, I have to say, it, it cuts both ways because too much information can lead to- A free state, right?
Where you don’t know what to do, and there’s too many options. And yeah, it was definitely a different story. ABA was not covered by insurance back then, or f- w- well, maybe it was just starting, but there was a lot of effort that you had to go through to get it. There was much more limitations in terms of providers.
Yeah. And, and yeah, it looked really… So a- and so it did look a lot different than it does now, but that said, I don’t think it’s any easier. I- it could- probably it’s even harder with limited resources and then being outpaced by the need for those resources. Absolutely. And I think some of it… So I have a brother who is 25.
He was diagnosed- Okay … when he was 23 months of age. And so like my mom tells a similar story, although Google did not exist then. Mm. So she was going to the library to learn- Yeah … about autism. And she shares… I have a podcast episode with her where she shares some of that journey. But yeah, it, in some ways, it has changed is what I…
And I was 12 at the time, so I was- Mm … aware of all of this. I feel like in some ways it has changed, and in other ways it hasn’t changed at all. And I think one of the primary areas that I see not a lot has changed is this idea of supporting the family in general, right? Like, services are still very primarily focused on the autistic child and how to support them, and not really a lot of resources out there for parents navigating this or siblings as well.
That’s something that I’m really passionate about and I talk about very openly, and my family is supportive of it, that my parents weren’t supported in this journey. So in turn, they didn’t know how to support me in this journey- Sure, sure … and processing all of it. And I feel- Yeah, no, that makes total sense
that’s one of the really slow areas, I think, to catch up overall. I’m curious if you have… I mean, you, no one knows, but why do you think that’s an area that hasn’t really received as much support? Why is it still so novel right now in 2025? I think it’s a couple of things. I think one is we barely have enough support for the child, and it’s normal that the child is struggling.
Of course, we’re going to direct it straight to the child. But the fact is the parents are with them all the time, and they are the implementers of this. And so I think that they play a pivotal role because we are the everyday therapists. We are the everyday regulators. And so the i- so I think that there’s a huge importance for education for the parents about the child’s behavior and how it shows up and what it means and what does it mean and helpful ways to respond and not to respond.
But those are list of rules, do this, don’t do this. And that’s great, but what it’s missing is, and I am in a constant state of flipped-on fight, flight. And so while all of that makes sense, my body is reacting from panic, and I’m not able to implement it that way because I’m literally just not able to. And so addressing that underlying issue with the parents becomes so important.
And I guess because I h- have lived with autism for so long, I’m immersed in it in so many different ways, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t realize what people don’t know anymore. So I’m having a co- conversation with a mother the other day about something that her child’s doing, and I’m like, “Oh, sounds like he’s…
That’s a really sensory-seeking behavior.” And she was like, “W- what are you talking about?” And I think that the education is so important, but I think it’s important on both sides of the fence, so not just the child, but the parent because of that Enmeshment really of the relationship, especially when they’re younger, especially when you are their voice.
You are communicating for them. You are interpreting their every sound, their every move, their every mood. It’s really important for you to be able to turn that focus on yourself so you understand the, you know, how you are interacting with the child, the energy that you are giving off, and, like, where, when you’re at capacity and, you know, when you need to step away.
Absolutely. Yeah. I think also, too, what’s really interesting from my perspective, the wealth of information is amazing, but again, like, the application, I think, is the hard part, and so there’s not a lot of support around that. But people are so inundated with information, then they feel pulled in both directions, and that also can reinforce the freeze cycle of, “But wait, someone told me to do this and this.”
And I think a lot of times, too, with our systems, a lot of our systems, like our medical system, our educational system, disempower parents in all of this as well of, “No, we know best. You don’t know best.” Yes. Yeah. So then also that reinforces that freeze cycle, too, of being like, “Someone told me this is what I should be doing even though my gut is telling me that’s not what I need to be doing right now.”
Yeah, no, I absolutely agree, and one of the things that I’ve really had to learn over the years and one of the focuses when I work with my clients is- Being the CEO of this enterprise of raising your child, and the way I like to think about it is the CEO being the head of the table will say they are you as the CEO.
You are the thread through. You are the one who’s going to be present all the time. The folks around that table will change, right? The different advisors, the different therapists. And being able to step into your role as the subject matter expert on your child, that doesn’t mean that you are an expert on autism, ABA, OCD, because part of being an expert is you know what you don’t know, and you also will outsource, and you will do due diligence, and you will consult with other experts.
But always retaining that place where, like, you’re their doctor now, but you probably won’t be next year or in two years, and you’re their teacher now. And so really, and I don’t take this– Like, I defer to experts all of the time. Like, I have people in my life that I really trust with my son, and I defer to them because I’ve gotten to the point where I trust them, and I know that we’re on the same page, right?
And so I am not saying you are the expert, don’t listen to anybody else, and not that at all. Like, I, I really do the balance. But I think it’s really easy. I see parents all the time being so confused when school calls them, and they’ll be like, “Yeah, he’s doing this,” or, “She’s doing that,” and they don’t know what to do.
“Why are they calling me? I’m not the expert.” I’m like, “Yes, you are. You’re the expert on your kiddo.” Like, you will know the fact that there was a surprise quiz in math is going to set your child off and what they might need to do. You’ll know that, those things better than they will. And granted, yes, we want the folks that we’re working with our kids to be able to figure it out.
But really, they do need that partnership with us because- We are the subject matter experts on our kiddos. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that collaboration is so key- Mm-hmm. Yeah … and I think, I love the idea of thinking of it like you are the CEO, and that’s such a great piece, and to think about is the board members are going to change- Mm.
Yeah … those advisors are going to change as your child grows and evolves, and even as a provider, like I know that I’m in a family’s life for s- a season, right? Yeah. Not gonna be indefinitely, but I think at the same point is making sure that collaboration is bidirectional, and I think a lot of times we see these systems just be like, “No,” like, “We know.
We are the expert.” Yeah. And I think that’s where it becomes difficult, and it disempowers, again, parents in their advocacy efforts. But I think if we can focus on it being bidirectional, ’cause like you said, your goal is not to be the expert overall on- Mm-hmm … like autism or, like AC, or like co-occurring mental health conditions and all of that, but how do you find these trusted sources to get the information from, I think is so incredibly important.
Agreed, and then sometimes it’s also just, I would say, I wanna say a combination of patience, but also of self-trust. Like I knew in my gut when my son’s OCD started up, like really started up, that something was really different. Like we were not in Kansas anymore, so to speak. Like autism, I knew. I got it, and I was talking to his doctors and talking to his doctors about that, and for the longest time they were like, “Yeah, but we’re not gonna treat him any differently because of that” or…
Not to say that they were downplaying it, but it was like I knew it, and I knew it was at a severe, a se- I knew it was so, at a level that was just, I don’t wanna say not normal, but it was beyond. Yeah. Like it wasn’t manageable. Impacting- But- Yeah. It sounds like it was impacting his everyday life, right? It was impacting complete quality of life in a way that was just, the only word I can describe it is it was bizarre.
Like it’s weird. I was like, what, what… Is this hallucinations? ‘Cause OCD can look- Very, it can look like, it can look like hallucinations. It can look very, I want to say, psychotic at some points, right? Like, it’s, it can be a, it’s like a really strange experience. And I remember being like, “No, this isn’t just like the autism OCD piece where our kids perseverate a lot.
Like, this is impacting him on a much higher level.” And of course, that has, we’ve been dealing with that for a long time, but it was like, I remember my friend saying to me, she’s, “You knew.” And I’m like, “I did.” And just reminding myself of things, like I do know certain things. Like, even if no one else takes action on them, or nobody else thinks that, or there’s not actually a place right now where we know how to treat these two comorbid diagnoses in a way that is helpful, being able to trust yourself that if you’re thinking it’s weird, it’s probably weird.
Yeah, absolutely. Just because we don’t hear this differential of OCD and autism quite as much, it’s not as high as some of the other co-occurring conditions like ADHD, anxiety- Mm-hmm … and so forth, could you talk about some of the examples that you were seeing with your son, just in case other parents are navigating this?
Yeah. I mean, it started off as Little things, and then it just kept going and going. And what I’ve learned about OCD are there are all sorts of forms of OCD, and so you have the things that people will readily think about, like germs and contamination and maybe washing your hands or having to shut the door a certain amount of times and things like that.
And so I wasn’t seeing that with him. His were more what they call just right, and so the idea that things needed to be just right. So he had to make sure that he understood the instructions 100%, but what if he didn’t understand the instructions 100%? And having to review things millions of times, you know, erasing homework until the paper was ruined, having to check, like, his mask to make sure, because this was during COVID, that it was properly sealed over and over and just not being ever able to get past that.
If someone said something like, “Hey, you should clean up after dinner,” just using the word should, was that a can or a must? Do I have to? What did they… Like, a- and just, it was, like, just cycling back, and it was like you could never close the loop with, even if you were like, “100% this is what I meant,” he would be like, “But…”
Like, a- and, and it was infuriating, right? Yeah. It was just like, “No, that’s what I meant. You don’t…” And no, but, like, his brain could not stop the loop, and it was like you could, it’s, you felt like you could almost see it, it, like, in there, like the wheels turning. And I have clients with this where it’s like they need to do things in a certain way, in a certain order, and if they’re not able to do it that way, they get so frustrated, and a lot of times it will come out as aggression because they’re just so frustrated.
Absolutely. And in general, a lot of anxiety can present as aggression, whether… And it’s- Absolutely … OCD’s interesting ’cause technically it’s been separated out from the anxiety disorders, but there’s a similar under- Mm-hmm … underpinning there in terms of that anxious distress and all of that. But yeah, it can present as aggression.
Then in turn, it’s like how do we stop these behaviors? But we don’t think about addressing the underlying need and, like, why those behaviors are happening in order to, by in turn, reduce those, right? If we can focus on the anxiety, the OCD, appropriately supporting that, a lot of times we can see then some of that aggression come down too.
No, and that’s a really good point, and this is actually where I’ve got into conflict with our providers because he had been, my son had been inpatient at an autism hospital. He was 13 years old. We had done ABA, like, back in the day, and it was helpful for when it was helpful, but we were being told, like, “He needs to go to ABA.
It’s the gold standard.” And I’m like- I don’t think it’s go- I, I don’t, I think it will do, I think it will be more harm than it will be good. And then I was getting a lot of pressure, and it was one of those situations where I didn’t wanna be viewed as not cooperative, ’cause I wanted to stay with this practice.
And so we did it, and It was not a fit, and it was so interesting because, yes, the ABA rigidity and their- that approach really did spike my kid’s OCD. And what the provider said to me, we had a lot of issues with providers that were like just quitting, and we finally had a supervisor above the BCBA come out and say, and observe Ben, and he said, he said, “No, this is not what we do.
This is severe OCD.” And I was like, “Yes, I knew that, but I also went through the entire thing just to be like, ‘I did the thing. I’m not…’ Right? Like, I just… Like, to get to the next step” because what I’ve also learned in terms of accessing services is that there seems to be sometimes an order of operations, and you won’t be considered for some things unless you’ve tried or exhausted other things.
And so I feel like we have spent a lot of time doing those things just till eventually my son was– he was admitted to a partial hospitalization for intense OCD, and that was a very different experience and a much… One more aligned with what his struggles were. Yeah, absolutely. So how did you then regulate yourself during all of this?
Feeling unheard, right? You felt like you knew there was something more, and then, like, even having to defer to, “Okay, we will try ABA so I look cooperative” and going through up the ladder and all of that. What was coming up for you as you’re navigating all of this, and how did you support yourself through that?
Real quick, just a brief interruption, because I want you to know you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. If you’re in a place where you have concerns about your child’s development, you’ve been on the search for a therapist that provides evidence-informed neurodivergent-affirming care, or you’re needing more support as a parent, the whole family approach may be a good fit for you.
Autism doesn’t just impact your child’s life, so you deserve care that works for your child and your whole family. Head to the link in the show notes to schedule a complimentary call where we can chat about your unique circumstances. We can help you decide if Dr. Tate Concierge Clinical Care would be a good fit for your family, and if not, we will provide you resources for your next best steps.
What was happening alongside all of this was that my son, my sweet son, when he was also hitting puberty, and with all of this, the aggression came out, and it was aggression towards me, and this was during COVID times where they’re mostly in lockdown and things like that, and it was… The reason I got into coaching was not to coach other people.
It was as a resource to me. Like, I was just at the point where I need to figure out something that’s going to help me right now. I, I don’t have time to talk about my past. It d- doesn’t matter. The issue is right now he is really escalated, and I don’t know how to stay calm for it And so that’s how I found coaching as a modality.
And I, and I went a little bit deeper into it with my own study. But what the thing is, and not to say that I couldn’t have gotten this from therapy, I could have, right? But w- what coaching did for me right away is just the ability to separate what I was thinking from what was happening from what I was thinking about it.
And with respect to all of his behaviors, I was either taking it very personally or I was blaming myself. And in both of those states, you go into that fight-flight, and from there your rational thinking goes offline. And so instead of being able to co-regulate, I was co-escalating him. At the same time trying to manage all these other pieces of the puzzle with the doctors, the therapists, and the schools.
My stress level was just so high. And one of the ways that Really helped me with understanding from the 10,000-point-foot view actually what was happening in my house because it all was very personal. And so it’s like that idea of the 10,000-foot view of my son and I are in this dance together. He’s dysregulated, I’m regulated, and we are escalating one another.
And so what can I do to change this? What can I do to be more of a safe person than of a person that is escalating the situation? And look, I wasn’t always successful for sure, but just that recognition of what was happening really did help me because I feel like when you’re in it and you’re so overwhelmed, like, uh, you can’t see past go, right?
You’re just look- you’re just putting out the next fire, the next thing. And so just having that self-awareness was really helpful to me. And then, so that’s how initially I got into the coaching, and those were the things that I used. And the other thing that I used, and this goes back to being the person’s person, was to put as much separation as, like, possible between the two of us.
And sometimes that just meant being… Usually, it just meant being in the next room. Mm. At… When I would hear him get up, say he’s listening, he’s watching a video game or he’s doing a video game and he gets upset and he yells, and I would jump up, run to the next room, “What’s wrong?” Trying to fix it, trying to make it go away, and instead really learning to pause and give myself some space so I could just take a breath before I intervened, if I intervened at all.
And really just trying to detach from that I need to fix it, I’m supposed to fix it, I should be able to fix it. Because with the same time what I was seeing is my kid was going to doctors in different states, really wonderful, great experts, and they were quite frankly telling me like, “We don’t know.”
Right? “We’re gonna try this medication. He- this is a comorbid condition. There’s some hormones going on. He’s 13 years old.” And so when I really got to see that the experts didn’t know because we’re just not there in terms of what we know about the brain and science and comorbidity, I was able to be like, “Okay, you’re not actually supposed to know how to fix this.”
Because as the mom, you always feel like you should be the one, you should be able to. And a lot of times, I really was, but when OCD entered the picture, it was impossible. There was no way I could jump inside of his brain and do that rewiring, right? Like before with his anxiety, I would over-talk things, I would try to explain things in ways where I could get him to be like okay with it.
But OCD wasn’t like that. And so when I really did understand that, it was so helpful because it’s like taking yourself off the hook for having to fix something that was like organic in his brain that’s just- Yeah. And the thing with OCD is it tends to be illogical. So a lot of the, and this is one of the reasons- 100%.
Yeah. Yes. This is why they- Yes … separated it out from anxiety. I think there’s- Okay … a lot of that underlying anxious distress, but they’re saying there, there is this distinctness to it. And then when we bring in, a lot of times, the compulsions, the, ’cause we also have to be really careful in therapeutic approaches with compulsions, ’cause sometimes we try to reduce the, or ch- change the obsessions, but then we don’t look at how compulsions are compensating to reduce the distress with the obsession.
Yeah. It’s a really complicated picture. And but that’s the thing, is I think it is illogical. And so sometimes I find a lot of parents are in this fix-it mode. And even if OCD isn’t part of your picture, right? Yeah. Like you’re primed, your brain is primed in a way to want to try to remove the distress for your child, and that’s supportive and helpful.
But like sometimes there, you just can’t. Sometimes there’s- Yeah … limits to that, or sometimes there might not be that immediate solution. And- Yeah … but that’s gonna send your body into the fight or flight mode, exactly what you’re describing of being like, “How do I solve this?” And- Right … again, if there’s not a logical solution of just being like, “Oh, let’s just turn off the video game,” or it’s absolutely not, you get stuck in that cycle- Yeah
that you’re describing. Absolutely. Yeah, that is the– you’re right. It was il- illogical, where before the anxiety would be like a paper is due, and I don’t know this one issue, and I sent an email to the teacher. Like, th- there was like a logical answer, and the… But yeah, with the OCD, it’s quite literally a loop, and you’re just, you’re not, there’s no off-ramp.
Yeah, absolutely. And the, this just right feeling that you’re talking about with OCD, it’s interesting ’cause that also can just occur in autism. Hmm. But then sometimes it’s above and beyond what we expect it to be in autism, and that’s a really hard one because, like, sometimes what’s gonna feel just right for your child isn’t gonna make sense to you.
You’re not- Yeah … gonna know. And it’s, again, there’s not gonna be this clear, readily available solution, but it’s still figuring out how do you regulate yourself in that moment, even if you can’t solve the problem so- No, absolutely. And h- honestly, like one of the biggest gifts to me is be- seeing other clinicians interacting with my son and seeing them get to a similar place that I’ve gotten to and realizing, oh, this is the condition.
And, like, just that alone, because before I was always, like, racking my brain about what to say, what not to say, like, how to prevent, how to fix, how to maneuver, and then when I realized it just wasn’t a thing, it was just like, oh, okay. Like, again, just taking some of that pressure off, that internal pressure.
Absolutely. Yeah. I think building acceptance around all- Yeah … of it is such an important part of the journey, again, that we don’t often talk about for parents- Yeah … overall. No, it’s true because one of the things I feel like I, I find really frustrating is that the idea that if you are accepting that you are- settling or you’re not fighting.
You’ve given up, which couldn’t be further from the truth. But I do think that there was, especially in those early years of go, do as much as possible as quickly as possible, the idea being, like, we can get over all of these humps. And yes, there’s been tons of progress, tons of milestones that have been shattered, but there’s still this underlying neurological condition that my child has that shows up in different ways.
And so the deep acceptance of that’s what it looks like right now. Yeah, absolutely. And this is a really interesting thing that I think what’s confusing about the word acceptance is we have the general public’s version and definition of what acceptance means, but the psychological definition of acceptance is different.
It doesn’t mean you’re just- Mm-hmm … like settling. And what the psychology definition is, it’s the process of acknowledging, understanding, and embracing, like, thoughts, emotions, and experiences without judgment or resistance. Mm-hmm. And so that’s a very different phenomena than when we think of, oh, you just accepted it.
You just- Yeah … said, “Oh, it’s not a big deal,” or, “Oh, we don’t need to keep pushing.” It’s actually quite different. Yeah. And I- it’s such an important part of when you parent an autistic child of getting to that point, again, of really acknowledging what’s going on, of understanding what’s going on, and embracing the, your response that comes up and how, and you mentioned this earlier, like shame just naturally weaves its way right in.
Yeah. Or, uh, in even the fix-it mode often comes from the shame cycle as well of I should know how to do this. Yeah. I should know how to fix it, therefore I take action as a result of it. And it’s really about disentangling that, which is such a powerful process. I think, yeah, and I think all that gets really complicated- With, I’m going to say, you know, autism and it’s the umbrella of things that come under it, is because many of the issues are behavioral.
And when things are behavioral, there’s just this instinct of, “My kid shouldn’t be acting like that,” or, “I should be fixing that,” or, “They shouldn’t be doing this.” And also the fear of the judgment for the people who don’t understand and who will look or view a behavior and make that judgment right away. I think that increases the pressure on the parent to want to fix it.
Yeah, absolutely. When you’re, like, working with parents or moms in particular, and they are coming to you and saying, “Okay, like, I am my child’s safe person. I am my co-re- their co-regulator,” what are some, like, tips and strategies you’re giving them to be able to feel like they can breathe a little bit again, and be able to regulate their own nervous system so it’s actually impactful in that dynamic?
And also being able to find themselves in this. And put the- you always hear, “Put your own oxygen mask on before you’re putting on someone, someone else’s.” That’s hard to do. Yeah, for sure. Especially in this dynamic. So how are you often supporting parents through this? What are some of those high-level things?
So one, I want to explore for the parent what they specifically find challenging, because it is different from parent to parent. And what I find has brought a lot of people to my doorstep is either an explosion at school and they’re just, they’re mortified by it, or something that happens in public. And really where I start is by untangling the actual issue.
Tell me what was happening, and really getting down to what they were thinking and feeling, because usually it’s never about the behavior. It’s never about the missed milestone. It’s about everything that you’re making it mean and you’re interpreting it as, right? And so, you know, the fear that you’re not doing enough, that this is your fault, that they don’t love you, that it’s personal, that other people are judging you, that other people are judging you and they are right.
Just I really like to bring notice to like the, to the moms that I work with, like everything that is happening for you that’s being triggered by just this one thing, and then how that is influencing how you’re feeling and how you’re showing up in that moment. And so just really being able to see that and to process it, because a lot of times when they come to me with things, like I’m, I’ve been out of this for a while and so I have very different reactions.
Like, the mom will be like, “My daughter is always so great all the time, and she only usually… Sometimes she’ll melt down at home, but she never melts down at school, and she melt down at school today.” And I’ll be like, “That’s great” because if she’s melting down at school, that’s information. What is, what are we, what can we learn from this information?
And the fact that she is melting down at school means that it’s not just something that’s coming at home, so it’s easier then to get the school on board with support and things like that. And when they’re seeing that I’m looking at it in a very different way, it’s not a Pollyanna way, um, they get to be like, “Yeah, I wasn’t thinking that.
What I was thinking is that maybe she’s going to get kicked out of school, and then I would have to quit my job.” And their, their thoughts are very different from that. And a lot of it just, I like to start with the moms with where they are. I never, they don’t come into my, into coaching with me and I’m like, “Okay, here’s all the things that you’re gonna do, then you’re gonna feel better.”
I just really want to see what’s happening for them so that we can start with where they are and we can build from there. Yeah. That validation piece is so helpful and- 100%. 100%. And interestingly, it’s helpful in working with parents of validating first before we’re trying to bridge and make that momentum forward.
The same is true of your autistic child- Yeah … as well. For sure. Yeah. And- That’s so true … slowing down enough to actually validate the experience before we’re hopping into problem-solving mode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So you said a lot of common themes like- There’s some, like, big event a lot of times, like- Yeah
difficulties with school, that type of thing. Any other, like, examples that come to mind of, like, common reasons that families are almost realizing it’s the tipping point, that they need more support than what they’re currently getting? Yeah. I think it’s not understanding their child’s behavior. Yeah. And they’re like, “I just don’t, he- every time I say no, they get so mad,” and they’re disrespectful, or they’re just, like, at their wit’s end for how to manage particular behaviors.
That will be a reason they come to me. Some people come to me because they’re having a really hard time, let’s say, taking their child out in public or going to family events because they don’t know what to tell the family, or they’re embarrassed, or they don’t feel like they can handle it. And not, not just, like, talking about meltdown behaviors.
It could be things like, “My child won’t eat the food that my mother serves, and she takes it really personally, and so I don’t want to go there,” and interactions with other people in their lives. Some people come to me because they’re angry. They are pissed. They are resentful. “Why is this happening to my kid?
Everybody else has it so easy.” They’re having a hard time with their being around, like, their friends that have neurotypical kids. So they, there’s a lot there that they need to process and, you know, to have validated. A- a- and so th- those are some of the common themes that people have come to me with.
Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, there’s so much of that, that it’s like building the acceptance, right? Mm-hmm. I talk a lot about, like, the grief process and the grief journey of all of this, how we have to go through that before we get acceptance. And I always give the disclaimer, you’re not grieving your child, you’re grieving a shift in expectations.
You’re grieving the fact that your child’s growing up in a very neurotypical world, right? Yep. Those are the pieces, and grief is really complex emotions. It’s not just what we think of, like, sitting there sad. It can look like anger as an example. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I did, actually, a lot of study on grief a couple of years ago, and I found the concept of- Ambiguous grief, right?
And so this is not the kind of grief where you get a casserole or a card in the mail, right? And it’s like we’re in this place where we’re grieving maybe the life not lived or our expectations for ourselves as parents or our children. At the same time, loving them as they are, who they are, right? There, it’s a, it can be a lot to hold.
And one of the, I don’t think I am, I sort of coin, invent anything, but one of the sort of things I started to play around with, like, with my clients, and I did a podcast on this, was what I called GOMO, the grief of missing out. And I think that there’s so much of it happens in our experience as both, like, the parents who would love to have their kids have the photo with Santa or do the hayride or have a big birthday party, and also the grief of seeing your kid missing out on maybe things that you want for them, but also things that they want for themselves.
Yeah, absolutely. I like that, GOMO. I’ve never heard of that. GOMO. So yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Before we start to wrap up, I’m curious, like, what are some common patterns that you see then in terms of being the safe person, why that is happening, and how parents then end up defaulting to navigating that versus when they can start to separate out their thoughts and the behaviors, where they can go towards helping parents realize you might be here now, but this is what is possible even being your child’s primary co-regulator or safe person.
Yeah. One of the things I like to think about is, like, staying in your own lane, and so taking responsibility for what is yours, and truly what is ours are our thoughts, our feelings, and how we, what we do and how we do it. Everything else is not ours, right? So it’s in their lane. And being the person who can be strong and support our children in whatever they are experiencing and then validating them, but not necessarily controlling it for them.
You can still be the safe person, but- Part of staying in your own lane is also supporting them in building the skills and the proof of concept that they can handle things on their own or with minimal support. And you’re still there, but you’re not doing it for them. And I think one of the important pieces too is building your child’s self-advocacy.
And this is true- Yeah. Yeah … even if they are non-speaking or they are high support needs and all of that. Yep. Right? Like, we still have to build that skill of the self-advocacy and realize that’s a powerful skill for them to have. Yeah. And you don’t always have to be that person, while simultaneously you can still be advocating.
It, I think it’s the power of and, right? Mu- Yeah, agreed … these can exist at once. One of the things that I talk to my parents a lot about, and I think it’s very counterintuitive, maybe also to, it could be generational too, right? I’m Generation X, my clients are Generation X, but they’re also- millennials.
They’re younger than me. But this idea of, like, your child doing something that we would consider basic or something that they, quote-unquote, should be doing, but they do it, and I always say you praise them, right? And so your child, instead of, let’s say, taking your hand and pulling you towards the refrigerator says, “Apple,” or whatever it is, right?
Like, whatever that small thing is, like really praising them, so whatever that advocacy looks like, and then reinforcing that loop. And I, I think sometimes, especially with my clients who have other children who are neurotypical who just do the thing, they don’t get the praise for it ’cause it’s expected.
But I think that’s a really important thing for autistic children in building that reward loop for them so that then becomes something that they want to do or that they see the value in doing it. And so a- and it’s sometimes it’s, uh, it definitely was counterintuitive to me. It’s like you’re just supposed to, like, flush the toilet.
You’re just supposed to do certain things, and so it’s like really getting ahold of what your shoulds are for how things should look, right? And being able to pivot, like, the way that you see things and the way that you respond. Yeah. My guess is this comes up, too, related to this a lot, though, is also parents learning to sometimes step back, right?
They might always do something for their child- Mm-hmm … but we have to sometimes test the waters and step back. And so- Absolutely … I have a podcast episode… Oh, no. It already came out, so it would be episode 195, talking about that line of accommodation versus over-accommodation. Mm-hmm. And so sometimes we don’t realize, too, that if we’re so used to jumping in and doing something all the time, it’s a default mode.
Yeah. And so being able to experiment with that, stepping back, and even allowing that skill to be able to emerge, and then when it does, making sure that we’re continuing to provide the space, we’re re- reinforcing it, but also being okay if it doesn’t go exactly how you expected. Yeah, no, that’s so good.
Yeah, absolutely. I would love to have you on my podcast to talk about that. Yeah. That’s a, for sure, something, a topic that it comes up a lot. It does, yeah. We love it. We have so much overlap, but I think one of the- Yeah … really cool things about you, and I’m always forthcoming, like, I am not a parent of an autistic kid.
I’m a clinician, and I grew up- Mm-hmm … with an autistic sibling, like you. Yeah. I didn’t know that before we hit record. But there’s value of being able to take information from various places, and sometimes having someone who has walked the same journey as you can be so incredibly important and supportive in all of this.
Yeah. And so I love that. For sure. But I will have to say, like, I- some of the best people I’ve worked with, and have worked with my son, did not have children who are autistic, but they just had a deep- interest and compassion for the community. And that, to me, has really made all the difference. And frankly, like, I love a clinician who will just tell me the what’s for.
You don’t have to beat around the bush. Like, I really do- Yeah … I do appreciate that. Absolutely. Yeah, so many powerful sources. And just since we’re talking about this, we’re talking about parents, we’re talking about clinicians, is also making sure we’re bringing autistic voices into- Mm-hmm … all of this as well- Mm-hmm
and listening. ‘Cause we can learn so much about especially those internal experiences that- Yeah … maybe your child doesn’t have the communication or the insight or the interoception yet to be able to express those, but being able to hear more about those internal experiences. And I think this is- I think my invitation to families would be to build this well-rounded team.
Yeah. And whether that’s a formal team or an informal team, of like really taking it in from a range of sources I think is so important. For sure. My son, one of the things that he’s been doing is he’s been writing things for me, ’cause he knows that I coach autism moms. And so he’s been writing tips about what to do and not do during meltdowns, and what’s helpful and what’s not helpful, and what to do in a crisis, like from the perspective of the person who is feeling it and what they’re experiencing.
And so I’m going to keep encouraging that. I’m like, especially for… I share these stories with my clients, and some of my clients’ children are non-verbal, and so just having some of this insight is helpful just to consider, oh, perhaps this is what’s happening. And it’s so fascinating, ’cause I have a couple of clients whose children have just started with typing, and when they’re typing out what’s happening for them, it’s incredible how deeply feeling and empathetic they are.
And you, you just don’t, you’re not readily aware of that. And- Yeah. I know I’m putting you on the spot, but does anything come to mind of what your son has shared? Like, any of those, like, little insights or tips? I would think I should have it. I, it’s probably hanging up somewhere. So he loves- He loves analogies, and so one of the things that he says is that it’s really helpful for the parent if they stay calm.
He says Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid, he said, “It’s very important to watch your tone and how loud your voice gets and what your face looks like, because we see and hear that, and we can react to that.” And that is for sure the case with my kiddo. As so many of my clients’ kiddos, tone is a big deal, and he’ll say things like…
He basically at one point, like, listed a bunch of things that I did. “Don’t yell. Don’t slam a door.” I’m like, “Yeah, all great tips.” But really, he, we just really focused though on the voice really meant a lot to him. I think that really communicating safety, and our voice does, it communicates so much. It can communicates, like, how fast we’re going too.
If we’re like, “Hurry up and do something,” or that kind of urgent- it, it communicates urgency, it communicates calm. And it’s so interesting, he and I were talking about something the other day, and I didn’t hear him, so I said, “Oh, what was that again?” It’s something about a procedure. And I’m like, “Oh, okay.” He goes, “Are you worried about it?”
I said, “No, why?” He said, “I wasn’t worried about it either, but you asked about it again,” so I was… He’s interpreting me asking again as… And yeah, it was just really interesting. Yeah. Wow, that’s so helpful, and sometimes we don’t think about that, but how we say things- Mm-hmm … does either signal safety or not safety.
100%. Yeah. And sometimes again, when your nervous system is dysregulated, you’re in fight or flight, you’re gonna default to probably having a tone of voice that is more anxious, more stressed, more- Yes. Yeah. And our children, and this is the thing I’ve seen in my kids. Someone’s called it when my son was very young, and I’ve seen it in so many of the autistic kids I know- They are like tuning forks for other people’s emotions.
So something that we might not notice, like that slightest change in our tone or, or prosody, whatever it is, like sensing that and being able to start to pick up on it and interpret it. It’s like, I always said to my son, I’m like, “Your brain is like a super computer. It takes in so much more information than mine does.”
But then there’s the issue with having the processing it, of it, right? It can get a little janky. But yeah, he’s taking- he takes in a lot of info, and it’s like quickly interpreting it. Yeah. So powerful. And just I’m thinking about this just to connect it back to this idea of a safe person. If one parent feels like the kid gravitates towards one or the other, it might be doing some evaluation of what does the facial expressions look like?
Yeah. What is tone of voice? What is volume? Yeah. How is that coming into play? And realizing, again, this is where focusing on your own regulation as a parent is really impactful. Yeah. Because this could change the dynamic in such a huge way. By regulating yourself, you’re able to get more into a grounded place when you’re speaking.
Absolutely. Yeah, and it’s like you don’t realize how much power that you have, and a lot of times in autism you feel like you’re chasing the next thing, right? It’s whack-a-mole sometimes. It can feel like that. But when you realize just your ability to pause, to change the register of your voice, to say something differently or not at all maybe can really change a dynamic.
Absolutely. Or shift it. Yeah. And we think about evo- evolutionarily what fight or flight is, right? Mm-hmm. And what happens to your body physiologically when all of this is true. This has been such an insightful conversation, and we could keep going on and on, and I love our overlap and our connection. Can you tell my audience where can people keep learning from you and keep diving deeper?
Because you’ve shared so many wonderful insights today. Sure. I- my website is the autismomcoach.com. You can go there. You can learn more about me. I will be rebranding it very soon, so there’s gonna be a lot more resources on there than there currently is. You can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook at The Autism Mom Coach.
For those of you who want to learn more about how to manage meltdowns with a little bit more ease, I have a free resource that I’d love to share with you. It is called The Meltdown Action Plan, and I take you through a before, during, and after process so you can best prepare yourself for when your child needs you to be their co-regulator.
I love that so much. We will link all of that in the show notes. Lisa, thank you so much for this conversation today. Thank you. It’s been a pleasure. Thanks for listening to The Autism Mom Coach. If you are ready to apply the principles you are learning in these episodes to your life, it is time to schedule a consultation call with me.
Podcasts are great, but the ahas are fleeting. Real change comes from application and implementation, and this is exactly what we do in my one-on-one coaching program. To schedule your consultation, go to my website, theautismmomcoach.com, work with me, and take the first step to taking better care of yourself so that you can show up as the parent you want to be for your child with autism.
